Bits of Life

Editor’s Note: Aaron Donley is a funny man. A very funny man. When he wrote us an email suggesting we take a look at his Jack Handey-esque work, we were very impressed and laughed heartily. Christian comedy usually does not make us laugh (click here for an example…no offense to that gentleman). Hopefully, Aaron will be contributing a column to the site every once in a while.

Without further ado, we introduce you to the musings of Aaron Donley.

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I think they should change the name of the Fox News show Hannity & Colmes to Insanity and Combs. They could get some clinically insane old men, arm them with those switchblade combs you get at the fair. See what happens.
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History repeats itself.

In fact, few people know that History has to use the bathroom exactly 30 minutes after its morning coffee each and every day.
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I think that the cigarette companies should seriously think about making one out of every ten or so packs really addictive. Just to provide a safety net for themselves in these uncertain times.
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Few people know that Isaac Newton had originally intended to name gravity The Man. But his ideas were forced down by what he referred to as The Man. (The scientific community).
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I recently had an old guy tell me, “Life ain’t a bowl of cherries son, you gotta work!” I told him that picking a whole bowl of cherries by myself sounded like hard work to me. Then I took a nap. Old people make me tired. What with their incessant talk of bowls and cherries and work.
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I always love a good Russian roust where people throw their wine glasses into the fire and cheer. Until the next day when everybody stands around in an awkward silence and watches the cleaning lady pick up the glass. “We’re really sorry,” everyone says, trying not to make eye contact.
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Probably when Michelangelo was working on sculpting David’s genitals and someone would come in the room he would jump and pretend to be working on the knees. Don’t you people ever think to knock? What is it? What do you want? I’m workin’ here!
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The phrase that people always use when something breaks down is, “How can they put a man on the moon and they still can’t make a good (insert: hair dryer, waffle iron, etc.)?!

I think maybe it’s time we just accepted the fact that putting a man on the moon wasn’t that hard.
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The one thing that all first time airline pilots have in common is that they spend a good 45 minutes wanting to believe that the on board toilets empty directly to the outside, disintegrating their contents into thin air.
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If I were a streaker my accessory of choice would be one clown shoe.

It says, “Hey, here’s a guy who’s out there, doing his thing, but keeping it fun at the same time.”

People respect that.
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It would really be unfortunate if you vomited in a spaceship. Because there it would be, floating around the whole trip, making people feel uncomfortable.
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If you were drilling a hole to the center of the earth it would be really discouraging to discover that your drill bit was exactly one inch too short. And, that they make them that length for this very reason.
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A great thing to have done when they were starting to tear down the Berlin Wall, would have been to secretly replace their wrecking ball with an identical silly putty wrecking ball.

Then, when the ball smushed against the wall, you could stand there smiling proudly and yell, “Now that, is what I call a wall!”
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I find it helpful to occasionally go downtown and present one of the homeless people down there with a motivational poster of a bunch of white guys rowing a boat, with the word GOALS printed at the bottom.

You see those guys rowing? I’ll say. Not bad eh?

Sometimes I’ll even lie and say one of the rowers is me.

I’ll stand there with my hands in my pockets, staring out at the horizon, “Yeah, you could say I’ve lived a pretty successful life.”
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Back in the olden times I bet the most rewarding chore of the day was throwing the slop water out into the street and hitting passers by.

Them, standing there drenched, looking up, smiling, waving their finger at you.

You, in the upstairs window, shrugging your shoulders, grinning, with a “guilty as charged” look creeping across your face.

It was their way of saying, “Hey, I kid around a lot, but it’s just because I care.”
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I’ve noticed that the most highly active PTA members always have the ugliest children in the entire school.

They’re trying to keep an eye on those teachers- Make sure their ugly kids are getting a fair shake in the classroom.

Yet, it’s those same people who are most outspoken about the dangers of kidnapping.
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That’s when I walk up to them and say, “No, you don’t understand. Your kids are ugly.”
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If you were Bigfoot at a barbeque and walked through the screen door, you’d probably feel the need to cover your embarrassment by running around growling and chasing people with the wire mesh. It really sucks too, because that’s not what you were trying to be.
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Probably what would be really disappointing would be to have finally had that breakthrough conversation with your cell mate where you both finally open up with honesty and acceptance of one another. Then just as your really seeing progress the other guy asks you to “hold that thought” for just a minute, goes over to the stainless toilet and carefully places tissue pieces around the lid before using.

Wake up call, you’re in prison buddy.
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File Under: Insanity, Combs

Posted on February 15, 2006 12:00 AM