Stars Fell on Alabama

“Do not turn to idols…” - Leviticus 19:4

I love my home state, but I must admit we have some problems, obesity being one of them. In 2005, we tied Mississippi for 49th place in the state obesity rankings, sharing the coveted title of “State You Would Least Like to See Naked.” Although, it should be noted, in the alphabetical rankings we faired much better than Mississippi . The politicians in Montgomery are struggling to find a second answer to the obesity question, since they all agree that reinstating school prayer would eliminate the problem in a matter of minutes.

Education is another trouble area for the state. Each year, citizens wait on the state education rankings with bated breath, and when 49th place is secure, we pause to once again thank God for Mississippi. Perhaps you think we are content with second to last, perhaps you are an idiot. Our leaders will not stop until Louisiana and Nevada are added to our ‘smarter than’ list . Their plan? Put 2-ton Ten Commandment monuments in every classroom.

Another dilemma that plagues our great state is divorce. According to Divorce Magazine, Alabama has the sixth highest divorce rate in the United States. The ranking has made ‘sanctity of marriage’ a key issue this year’s gubernatorial race. A TV spot for Governor Bob Riley says the incumbent, “Continues to lead the fight for a constitutional amendment to protect the sanctity of marriage .” I assumed Governor Riley wanted to outlaw divorce (“If you outlaw divorce, only outlaws would get divorced!”), but boy was I wrong. This amendment would make gay marriage illegal in the state of Alabama. Now I believe our great state is many things, but a hotbed of homosexual nuptials is not one of them. Perhaps it is not homosexuals, but our nation’s 50% divorce rate that has taken the sanctity out of marriage.

These problems are depressing, but they are only half the story. There is one category in which Alabama leads the United States; and it is the most important category of all: American Idols! Thanks to Ruben Studdard and Taylor Hicks, Alabama has now produced twice as many American Idols as the second place states, Texas, Oklahoma and North Carolina. And snobby, know-it-all states like Vermont and Denver have not even produced one American Idol. We have put the Earth on notice; our average singers will whip your average singers any day of the week, and twice on Tuesday.

Now it is up to us to focus the energies we spend on reality television towards our problem areas. I propose legislation that will require any citizen who wishes to vote on American Idol to adhere to a strict 2,000-calorie diet . If people think eating a twinky might allow some no-talent hack from West Virginia to win American Idol, they’ll think twice before inhaling it. This legislation will also limit the number of text message votes that can be cast by divorcees . Al Green’s hit song ‘Let’s Stay Together’, will take on new meaning when couples realize their separation could hand the Idol crown to the likes of Clay Aiken.

So you see, all it will take for Alabama to solve its problems, and perhaps become one of the top forty states in the union, is a little refocusing of energies. Then, when ours is a state of thin, happily married scholars, we will attack Florida .