An Offer She Couldn’t Refuse

Through four years of dating and the first eight months of our marriage, Tricia and I never had an argument. Friends viewed us with awe, marveling at the Eden-like existence we shared. Ours was a blessed union, the way God had intended, before the taste of forbidden fruit led to petty quarrels and nights spent sleeping on the couch. For us, life in the Garden was good. Until the day I ordered digital cable without consulting her.

She caught me in the act, as I was attempting to hook up the cable box before she got home, in hopes that it would never be noticed. Tricia let out an exhausted sigh, like a kindergarten teacher at the end of a long day, and asked, “What is that?” Her look brought back ‘hand in the cookie jar’ feelings that I had not experienced since my tenth birthday. I confessed that it was a digital cable receiver, and informed her that we needed it to watch the Sopranos.

“I don’t watch the Sopranos, and we can’t even afford groceries!”

This was not entirely true. While my liberal arts degree and the jobs it qualifies me for do not provide us with many of life’s finer things, we have never actually missed a meal.

“Listen,” I said, “the cable company is running a special and this will only cost us ten dollars more per month for the next six months. The Sopranos will be over by then, and I will switch us back to the cheapest cable package available.”

Tricia, who is a medical student and provides us both with the hope of a one-day decent income, shook her head and stomped out of the room. I continued to install the cable box, praying that one of our 900 new channels would persuade her to see things my way.

Later that evening, when she returned to the living room, I began the delicate process of selling her on the ideal of digital cable. As I turned on the television she hit me with a blitzkrieg of angry questions. “What is that at the bottom of the screen?” she demanded.

“That’s the information bar. It gives you a brief summary of the show you are watching. You can also search ahead and see what will come on later in the day.”

“It’s all crap, you need an information bar to tell you that?” I could see this was not going to be easy. “And besides,” she said, “you can’t flip through the channels as fast with that bar popping up every two seconds.”

In a rare genetic flaw, Tricia was born with the gene that makes you flip through the channels faster than you actually can see what is on them. This gene is rarely found in the female of the species, but who among us can fathom all the mysteries of science?

I told her it was not all crap, and began flipping through the channels like a contestant on Press Your Luck. Big bucks, big bucks, no whammies, no whammies, Stop!

I stopped on a channel called Animal Planet. Tricia rolled her eyes. “Hold on,” I said, “With the information button I can tell you what is coming on tonight.” I pressed the button and searched the schedule for later that evening. At seven was the debut of a show called “Mules: God’s One Mistake”, followed by the documentary “Polar Bears: Cute Until They Eat You”. I explained to Tricia that Tuesday nights were historically slow for Animal Planet, and quickly changed the channel.

After flipping past a few channels I knew she would hate, I settled on MTV2. “Why are there two MTVs?” Tricia asked.

“This one shows videos, like regular MTV did when we were kids.”

“I wasn’t allowed to watch MTV when I was a kid,” she said.

I thought I had her. With no parents around, Tricia could watch the Devil’s station as much as she pleased, and I would get to keep my cable box. But then we watched our first video. It was for a song called “Goat Love”, by the band Rape the Earth. I do not claim to know the laws of every state in the Union, but I am almost certain what Rape the Earth did to that poor goat is illegal in all fifty. Again I quickly changed the station, and silently vowed that my children would not watch MTV either.

Covering my eyes, I flipped past a dozen or so porn channels, stopping on ESPN Classic, a station that I was truly excited about. And since Tricia is almost as big a sports fan as I am, I had high hopes that it could convince her to keep the box.

She started scanning the room for something to throw at me and screamed, “We already had two EPSNs on regular cable!”

“But this one shows classic games”, I said, preparing to duck.

“You mean games that have already been played?”

“Well yes, but they only show the great games. And sometimes they show games you have never seen, so it is like watching them for the first time.” I pointed to the screen and said, “See, I’ve never seen this game between the Bulls and the Sonics. I have no clue who wins.” Then I made the mistake of pressing the information button, which not only revealed the final score, but also informed me that Michael Jordan would hit the game winning shot at the buzzer. Stupid information button.

I was starting to abandon hope. In a last-ditch effort I flipped to the 900’s. “Listen,” I said, fighting through tears, “It even comes with fifty channels of digital music. We can listen to whatever we want, rock, polka, disco, techno, Christian polka, countr -“

“Chad,” she said, “You sold your satellite radio because you never listened to it. Do you really think you will listen to radio on the television?”