How The Onion is Destroying America

Due to my position as the editor of a prestigious web magazine which will no doubt win many, many Webbys someday, I like to spend an hour each day perusing other web magazines. I learn a lot from this perusal, sometimes about things I could change to make us even better, and sometimes I learn from the horrible failings of our many competitors. From these roadkill websites, I learn what not to do.

You can imagine my surprise at the discovery of a particularly insidious site, a site so evil and dastardly it threatens to peel apart the very layers of American society.

I am speaking of TheOnion.com.

Apparently, The Onion is celebrating its tenth anniversary: ten years of turning America’s youth into no-good hippie punks. How I wasn’t aware of this blight on the information superhighway until now is beyond me. There has been no mention of The Onion on the message boards at Xianz.com, so maybe that’s why I’ve been in the dark.

No matter…I know now. And I will commit the rest of my life (or at least the rest of this article) to chopping The Onion into little pieces, and then mixing them into a nice stew. Mmm.

I’m going to list the worst of the awful articles The Onion has published, and I’m going to comment on them below. I would offer ways to fight The Onion, but they haven’t posted any contact information on their site. Someone should start some sort of Congressional bill or petition or something…I’m busy these days…

I’ll also include links to the actual articles in case you may doubt that such evil could exist. I urge you, though, do not click on these links if at all possible.

Dolphins Evolve Opposable Thumbs

I don’t need to tell you that evolution is the biggest lie imposed on us by liberal media types. The Onion writers seem to think that the use of comedy can gloss over propagating such deceit.

Also, if the dolphins ever did rise up, they would have to pry my pre-market automatic weapons out of my cold dead hands. And they’d need fingers to do that.

(EXPLETIVE DELETED) Everything, We’re Doing Five Blades

This article is laced with profanity, mentions of cocaine use, and they even take a moment to assault that bastion of American boyhood, the Boy Scouts of America:

“Your neck is going to be so friggin’ soft, someone’s going to walk up and tie a…Cub Scout kerchief under it.”

It’s a low blow, to say the least.

The article attempts to lampoon the hard-working razor industry, an industry that has helped keep our troops overseas cleanly shaven for at least hundreds of years. I’m pretty sure the CEO of The Gillette Company would never use such salty language.

I, for one, have applauded the “Razor Wars” of recent years. The competition between Gillette, Bic and that other one is capitalism at its best.

I guess The Onion writers probably don’t have to worry about shaving, what with their long hippie beards.

18-Year-Old Miraculously Finds Soulmate in Hometown

This is just another assault on small town America, but it also doubles as a mockery of love. I mean, who would mock love? The Onion writers, that’s who. They would mock love. What a bunch of jerks.

Welcome to T.G.I.Fridays! May I Annoy the Living (EXPLETIVE DELETED) Out of You?

First razor companies, then red state America, and now my favorite restaurant…will these miscreants ever stop? I guess not until New York City is overrun with trees and ivy, turning it into a steaming jungle.

The waitress (sorry…female server) they make fun of is just trying to earn a decent living with her sunny disposition and access to tasty grilled meats. I’ll bet those The Onion writers have never worked an honest day in their lives.

Speaking of Friday’s, check out their Zen Chicken Potstickers…it’s like dining at sunset in Old Shanghai. T.G.I. Fridays: Everyone Could Use More Fridays!

Columbine Jocks Safely Resume Bullying

Look at the all-American children pictured in this article…no, wait, don’t! I’ll describe them: they are all-American. They are thickly muscled, sturdy young men with bright smiles and even brighter futures. The girl they are with looks suspiciously like an immigrant, but we should give her the benefit of the doubt.

That The Onion would portray these fine people as bullies is absurd. In this country, all-American boys like that stick up for the underdog.

Americans also don’t support school shootings, but it looks like The Onion writers do. Get out of our country, you commies.

Wait, I have a better idea: let’s ship The Onion writers up to some town in Wisconsin where they can see what it’s like to live in a place where the American work ethic is on display each and every day, where honest men and women earn their money with good old-fashioned elbow grease. We’ll see if those pinheads will find something to laugh about then!

The one bright spot on The Onion roster is the lovable Jean Teasdale, who contributes regular columns. With her her trademark sense of humor in the face of wacky adversity and her love of everything adorable, Jean is the sole point of light in the hellish netherworld that is The Onion.