Mi Space, Su Space

Are you like me, rapidly approaching thirty while trying to remain groovy and relevant? If so, you might want to check out MySpace, a virtual community site that allows users to make new friends, browse their profiles, and stalk them.

As a Christian you may be wondering, is MySpace Biblical? Unfortunately, Scripture remains quiet on the issue. Unless you take a very liberal translation of the Old Testament, where Ruth says to Naomi, “Your space will be MySpace”.

However, one should not let the Bible’s silence hold them back, because Rupert Murdoch’s News Corporation recently acquired MySpace for $580 million dollars. And as you know, Murdoch is the creator of Fox News, the only cable news source that a discerning believer should watch. He is also the man behind such shows as Temptation Island and Trading Spouses: Meet Your New Mommy, but that is beside the point. The point is, everyone is doing it, why aren’t you?

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Great, you have given in and want to create your own MySpace page. Soon you will be interacting with people from around the globe, who like yourself, need a hobby. But before you do, you will need to answer these three questions.

1. Do I have a computer?
2. Do I have an active email address?
3. Do I know better than to get inside the windowless van of my new e-friend?

If you answered yes to all three, proceed to www.myspace.com, and let’s begin your journey into the land of time you will never get back.

To start, you are required to register for an account. This involves filling out a form of standard questions such as name, gender, and location (of birthmarks). And since MySpace is like the Sears Catalog for sexual predators, I suggest using an alias, like Oprah or Donald Miller.

Once registered, you are ready to create your profile. This profile should be a reflection of you as a person, so have fun and be creative, unless of course you are a colossal bore. If you have trouble, feel free to consult the guide below.

Chad’s Guide to Creating a MySpace Profile

Headline: Your headline is the first thing people read when viewing your profile, so make it stand out. Try to use modern slang, so the kids will know you are down, maybe something like “My humps are all ‘bout the Benjamins.”

Photos: Uploading your photographs to MySpace is simple, but there are some rules, like no nudity. If you want to share nude pictures of yourself, you will have to use email like the other pervs. And when choosing a photograph for your profile, use one that you took of yourself, it makes you look lonely, and will help you fit in.

Interests: This section lets you list your favorite Music, Movies, TV Shows and Books. Feel free to put as many as you want, but understand that no one is actually going to take the time to read them. Oh, and make sure to put lots of books, because people will think you are smart, and there is no way to prove you didn’t read them.

Blog: With MySpace you can create your own personal blog. It is a great way to let your friends and stalkers know what is going on in your day-to-day life. And with a blog, people no longer have to assume that you don’t have a life.

Congratulations, you have created your MySpace profile, and if you did it right, it should look like this.

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Now that your profile is complete, it is time to make new friends, and on MySpace it is easy. Just set the browse criteria to match the type person you want to meet (i.e. Female, 25-30, Southeast, Not too skanky), then click the search button. You will instantly be able to peruse thousands of profiles; select only those who meet your lofty standards, then request their friendship with the press of a button. And when they add you to their list of friends, you can send each other messages like these.

“Hi, just wanted to say hi.”

“Hey, you so crazy.”

“Sure, I can come visit you in the Middle East.”

Of course there are many other things to do on MySpace, like listen to new bands or watch movie trailers, but you will have to figure those out on your on, because Bama_Hottie1988 wants to meet me at the food court, and I’m pretty sure she is eighteen.