Google My Woo-Suk

I think you can tell a lot about a person by looking at their homepage. Sports fanatics undoubtedly keep theirs set on ESPN, while shopaholics use Amazon, and of course porn freaks are glued to jordangreen.com. Mine is still set to Yahoo!, and while I realize that cool internet people now use Google, I also realize that cool internet people do not exist.

My problem with Google is twofold. First, the word “google” sounds like part of that made-up language adults use when talking to infants, which has always given me the creeps. “Look at you, you’re mommy’s little google poogle woogle.” Secondly, the site has no personality. It is just the word “Google”, and a blank search box. I can stare at that box for hours, and never think of anything to search for. That is why I have stuck with Yahoo!, because its homepage is a muddled mess of articles, pictures, games and advertisements. Yahoo! thinks for you, and isn’t that why we buy computers in the first place?

I get most of my news from Yahoo!, which may seem strange when there are dozens of sites whose sole purpose is to report the news, but those sites make me feel dirty. And the truth is, I don’t actually read the news items, just their titles. This is because unless you hear otherwise, the news is always bad. The news on Yahoo! is also bad, but they like to add a twist of humor, and that is why I trust them. The first four headlines will be about horrific tragedies, but then they will throw in some off-the-wall headline just to brighten your day. Anytime you visit Yahoo, you are liable to see something like this…

-North Korea kills puppies with missile test
-Terrorists chatter reveals plot to attack your hometown
-Rising gas prices help spread bird-flu
-Asteroid collision a certainty for Christmas 2011
-Man teaches pet chicken the Electric Slide

It is that fifth item that makes life worth living. In fact, just this week I came across an article entitled, “Disgraced scientist says he tried to clone mammoth”, and I ask, how can you not click on something like that?

Turns out the scientist is none other than Hwang Woo-suk, a South Korean with the most unfortunate last name I have ever seen. Woo-suk is currently on trial for allegedly accepting $2.1 million dollars in private donations based on the outcome of falsified research, and then using some of those funds for personal use.

Woo-suk’s benefactors expected their gifts to be spent on stem cell research, but that has not been the case. Now the problem is finding out where the money did go. Hwang admits to spending some of the funds in cash, making it impossible to trace, and while the donors fear Woo-suk spent the funds on iPods and pizza, the scientist insists the money was used for the purpose of research, namely, three failed attempts to clone woolly mammoths. And, as we all know, those who peddle mammoth tissue are notoriously forgetful when it comes to receipts.

Pretend for a minute that we believe Woo-suk’s story, I can only think of two reasons that a stem cell scientist would want to clone woolly mammoths. First, perhaps Woo-suk wanted to create an excruciatingly boring version of Jurassic Park, with only the most docile of extinct animals. The premise of his park would be, “You won’t have fun, but you won’t be eaten.” The only other explanation is that Hwang watched the Flintstones as a kid, and knows that baby woolly mammoths make great vacuum cleaners. Of course later in the article Woo-suk claims he also tried to clone tigers, which makes me wonder if he doesn’t have plans to take over the world with an army of mammoth-sized woolly tigers.

Either way, it looks like Woo-suk’s plans will probably be placed on hold, thanks to the mountains of evidence stacked against he and his research team, and maybe that is not a bad thing. I’m sure when God causes an animal to become extinct, He does so for a good reason, and besides, who wants a vacuum cleaner that poops on your feet.

Posted on August 1, 2006 12:00 AM