Ain’t Scared

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…and clowns.” - F.D.R.

The other day I was in an internet chat room, arguing with DevilBoy666 about the Second Coming, when someone mentioned that the Bible says “Fear not” 365 times, once for each day of the year. I have not taken the time to verify this, but as a rule, I believe pretty much everything I read online.

I do know that Jesus was always telling His disciples to not be afraid. It was usually when they were out on a boat, and some giant storm would come up and start tossing them around like salad. The disciples would always panic, Jesus would have to wake up, calm the storm, and then tell them there was nothing to be afraid of. What He failed to mention was that apart from John, the disciples were all going to die much worse deaths than drowning, but that is not my point. My point is, well crap, I forgot my point.

Oh right, my point is, we are not supposed to be afraid, even though there are lots of things to be afraid of. I have taken the time to list seven of these things, and perhaps you can focus on conquering one each day. We will call it “Fear Week”. Actually, that sounds somewhat scary itself, instead we will call it “Kitten Week”.

1. Acid Rain - This fear is a holdover from my youth, and it is not that scary when you realize it does not quite live up to its name. As a child, I imagined myself playing at the park and being caught in a rain shower. Running for cover, I screamed as the Acid Rain slowly melted the skin from my bones. Turns out, Acid Rain is just rain containing high levels of sulfuric acid. Of course that is not a good thing, but I think calling it “Dirty Rain” would get the point across without scaring the children.

2. Hurricanes - Living on the United States’ Gulf Coast, I always keep a watchful eye on the tropics. In theory, these storms should not be that scary, since they give you at least three days to get out of their way. However, it is those fear mongers at The Weather Channel that keep my anxiety level up during hurricane season. They are always talking about “eye walls” and “barometric pressure” in a veiled attempt to out-frighten the Kings of ALERT at Fox News. Sometimes, it is hard to see the true story through their desperate plea for ratings, but in most cases, if Jim Cantore is within twenty miles of your house, you are going to die.

3. Rogue Astronomers - Just last week, in Prague, Czech Republic, the International Astronomical Union destroyed the peaceful planet Pluto, leaving our solar system with just eight planets. Darth Vader once said, “The power to destroy a planet, is insignificant when compared to the power of the force.” This may be true, but if these nerds can blow up planets, imagine what they will do to those of us who made fun of their pocket protectors at our next high school reunion.

4. Iran - I must admit, as far as Islamic Extremists go, President Mahmud Ahmadi-Nejad is not that scary. I mean, he wears a Members Only jacket for crying out loud. Nevertheless, Iran continues to have nuclear ambitions, and throwing the Zionists into the sea is still number one on their to-do lists. And while I am not that concerned about Iran nuking Southwest Alabama, they still make me nervous.

5. Someone Nuking Southwest Alabama - I suppose this fear is a bit unwarranted, but nukes are scary, and I think everyone believes if thermo-nuclear war does break out, their city will be the first to go. For the most part, Southwest Alabama minds its own business, but I am sure we have made a few enemies through the years. Besides, sometimes places just get annihilated for no good reason, just ask Pluto.

6. Avian Flu - Unlike regular flu, Avian Flu is spread by vengeful fowl, who seek revenge on mankind for centuries of placing their kind in cages and asking if they would like crackers. I believe the Avian Flu originated in Asia, but only because the words Asian and Avian look so much alike. Scientist fear the Avian Flu will mutate and begin to spread from human to human, at which point it will have to be renamed, regular flu.

7. Writers Block - …

So there you have it, seven extremely conquerable fears. I hope that by this time next week you will have seven less things to worry about, and that you will be well on your way towards living an anxiety-free life. Because when you step back and look at the big picture, God is in control, and you have nothing to fear, except for Carnies.

R.I.P. Pluto

Posted on September 1, 2006 12:00 AM