On Swearing
The levels are divided based on the criteria of complexity and vulgarity quotient (Potential to offend). The higher the level, the higher the VQ. The higher the VQ, the more powerfully offensive the language could be if handled irresponsibly. I actually thought about creating a level 11 just for swear words since they offend 100% of the time, but I felt compelled to maintain the integrity of the table.
Logically, as we move down the table, the potential damage inflicted by offensive language in each level decreases until we reach level 4, which is the last level to have a VQ. All the elements of language in levels three to one are incapable of offending, excepting only the “Goosebumps” books.
So you can see, logically, why letters are never offensive, regardless of what their intended meaning is.
Abbreviations, surprisingly are still capable of offending. If they weren’t I suppose we would be abbreviation cussing, rather than letter cussing. Believe me, if I didn’t feel such a moral repugnance for abbreviation cussing, I would be doing it constantly. Alas, we can see all too clearly that abbreviations can indeed be used for evil.
On a side note, if you are reading this, and are really struggling with saying bad words, try limiting yourself to using only levels three and below for at least six months. After that, you should be totally rehabilitated. Prayer during this time would be useless, however, because God ignores all level six prayers and lower.
There is one bad word that Christians are allowed to say, and it too serves as a suitable substitute for all those nasty words: crap. We can even say this one in front of preachers!
There are a multitude of variations for this Swiss army knife of Christian cussing enthusiasts:
“This is crappy.”
“I feel like crap.”
“I’m sick of eating the same fricking crap for lunch.” (Don’t forget that frick is OK too.)
My all time favorite: “What the crap?”
Some people have asked me while I was doing all this research why these substitutes are acceptable, since they mean the same things as the more objectionable words they replace. When someone asks you a stupid question like this, just do like I do, and tell them to stop being such an F-ing smart A.
It’s not even worthwhile to debate whether or not swearing is as grievous a sin as we make it out to be. Of course it is. I mean, there are words that can be said in substitute (Instead of F, copulate; S is poop, and H is Sheol). This is perfectly acceptable.
What we need to remember about bad language and letter-cussing is that it’s not what we mean that is a sin. Nor is it the spirit of anger towards our brothers and sisters with which the words are uttered. But rather it is the particular combination of letters that God finds objectionable.
And if you disagree, then go F yourself.
Posted on November 1, 2006 12:00 AM
Comments
We can do so much good with the 26 letter in the english language...maybe if we would put some of the good words on the out of bounds lists we would use them more often. Way to go Ben Rogers
Posted by: Jim Behling | November 1, 2006 6:19 AM
Oh S, this is going to F-ing F me up while I'm sitting on my A reading alphabet books to my baby. What the Sheol am I supposed to F-ing do now, you B!
j/k - very funny piece!
Posted by: Tim | November 1, 2006 8:15 AM
Ben, hilarious writing. Love your category system.
You might like this article I wrote on cussing christians which can be found at
http://www.off-the-map.org/idealab/articles/idl0603-3-cussing.html
Be sure to check out the heated discussion that follows, scrolling back to the beginning of the comments.
Thanks again for a hilarious f
article.
Posted by: Pam Hogeweide | November 1, 2006 9:43 AM
Ben
You aren't f ing serious, are you?
NNNIIIICCCEEEE.
Posted by: Brett | November 2, 2006 7:36 AM
Ben,
Your article's F-in' S. (Flippin' Sweet.)
Although when we use just L to cuss, we find our conversations becoming L and L specific, spiraling further into miscommunication and the M of words become empty and V. Did I mean S or did I mean S? What the F (flapjacks) did I mean by that "F?"
So perhaps it's B just to say what you M and M what you S. W D Y T?
And M or perhaps L importantly, WWJD?
Posted by: brooks | November 2, 2006 10:28 AM
Satire or not, this article is offensive. Christians have a responsibility to be above reproach, and avoiding four letter words is part of our responsibility. I'm saddened that BWC would publish a piece of shit article written by an asshole like Rogers.
Posted by: steve | November 2, 2006 11:48 AM
brooks, I T you get the BCA (best comment award)
:-)
Posted by: kate | November 2, 2006 1:15 PM
Permission to date my daughter? No @#$%^&*&*()(*& - way.
Her Dad
P.S. Enjoyed the article
Posted by: Rick | November 2, 2006 5:03 PM
Nice article.
Posted by: Adam | November 4, 2006 5:47 AM
Really creative way of communicating it. I was almost offended, but then the point was quite clear. Good job.
I personally agree with "out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks" (I forget where that was in the Bible). I guess that was your point, that the "letters" are communicating the exact same vileness that curse words do. But that doesn't make cursing good (and I mean that in the large sense of "good", along with beauty and truth), in my opinion.
I'm battling in my mind if there would have been a more effective way to make your point. Or maybe just a way I might have done it... But props to you for making it so clear!
Posted by: Lorenzo | November 8, 2006 9:52 AM
I enjoyed the article from beginning to end.
I hope that one day the Church stops defining herself by what she is against, and starts to define herself but what she does for the world and how tolerant she is of other cultures (including the culture of cussing).
If I dropped the F-bomb at my Christian College, I would have been put on probation (so why not just teach me vocab that is suitable? Isn't this a school?)
Thanks bro!
Posted by: Cobb | November 8, 2006 2:30 PM
ben you W-faced B, nice article.. If anyone S's on you for crapping on their s talking parade then i have three words of wisdom:
F the F'in F'r
Posted by: stever | November 8, 2006 10:19 PM
Is this supposed to be a serious article? If so, I don't know how you can justify Christians as superior to the "common people." Jesus was one of the common people and his aim was to love them unconditionally, so putting ourselves above the common people is counterproductive and just plain wrong. You're not going to bring anyone to Christ if you keep acting better than them.
Also, swearing in your mind is equally as bad as swearing out loud. You may be saving face when you do it internally, but it pollutes your mind and soul just as much as if you were to vocalize it. How is lusting in mind any different from committing adultery? It's not, according to Jesus. I don't swear because I agree that is vile and an unimaginative way to express yourself, but I don't swear internally because that is equally vile. If you do swear, I still love you. Ultimately, who cares how many times someone swears? No one has the right to judge others based on simply that. Look deeper.
Posted by: Chad | November 24, 2006 9:21 AM
i was wondering if the writer of this article could please clarify whether or not this is satire.
Posted by: joel | November 24, 2006 10:01 AM
Yes, it's satire.
Posted by: Jordan Green | November 24, 2006 10:18 AM
VERY funny. Great article.
Posted by: Jamie Swann | November 25, 2006 4:50 AM
POO. I think it's time for a comeback for the word POO.
Posted by: Susan Isaacs | November 30, 2006 11:03 AM
I found this article the same day I found one calling Donald Miller a "false teacher" because of his use of swear words. It's incredible how angry people get when you say "asshole". Great article.
Posted by: Caleb Gunnels | December 1, 2006 9:24 AM
It was funny and clever but I feel kinda weird, sorta like the time in fifth grade I found a playboy by the ditch, I felt kinda bad 'cause I shouldn't have looked at it so much, I wondered why I wanted to. Why do I want to cuss?, sometimes thats the words that express the feelings. If I want to swear I aint stoppin at the first letter.
Perhaps the brown stains on and around your ears are not from airborne swear words.
Posted by: Jed Hummell | January 3, 2007 2:10 PM
Are those kids serious? They couldn't tell that this was a satire??
PS. I thoroughly enjoyed this. :) Amen, B!
Posted by: Sonja | January 17, 2007 10:38 AM
even when you cuss in your head...God still knows exactly what youre saying. this article is a horrible potrayal of christianity. whoever wrote it obviously doesnt know what christianity is all about
Posted by: Anonymous | January 24, 2007 4:22 PM
Very nice article, which I found informative.
Posted by: nytbird03 | October 8, 2007 6:06 PM