I’ll Have the Marriage, Please

Thank you for this article. It really does speak to those of us who are single in the church. To often, I have felt like I am at the childrens table. Thank you for atleast acknowladging that the church does need to change and realize that singles can offer more then they realize.

Amen!! I do not feel suffocated at my church per se, more by society in general. When I explain to friends and family that not everyone has to be coupled and that maybe God has a different plan for me, they look at me strangely. Being single is really tough, mostly because of the strength your self-esteem needs to be in to take on the "marriage-mad" society we live in.

your thoughts and concerns about the churches' view on singleness are right on. most people in the church, because most are married, aren't even aware of the issue of marginalizing singles or how blatantly the church seems to put singles as the very beginning of the food chain. in my opinion, singleness is the giant freaking elephant in the sanctuary of every church. as a result, the oddity of singleness (even though as you said we make up 50% of the population any more) becomes the issue and ironically our spiritual life or personal relationship with jesus which should always be the most important thing becomes moot, not unlike many other "issues" in the church. ie....there's too much clapping in this church, look at the mohawk on that kid (gasp) in church, do we have communion once a month, every sunday??, baptism at birth???, that pastor is fanning the flames of controversy by challenging us to think for ourselves....again where is our relationship with Jesus in those arguments? call me crazy, since i don't have a seminary degree, but shouldn't our spiritual walk and relationship with Jesus always be the number one concern???

As I completed a theological Master's degree, I so often felt insufficient in my abilities to lead God's people simply because of my singlehood. Now, as I am married, I am thankful for my wife, but I in no way feel that I have become spiritually superior to single people. I blows my mind that pastors and teachers could talk otherwise.

Still, going to college in Texas, everyone was "on the prowl" for his or her future spouse. Church often had a club-like atmosphere, except with a "Joshua Harris" Air of Expectancy. So, college pastors -- married college pastors -- used to urge us to enjoy our singlehood and stop wanting to be married, citing Paul's words as a statement that wanting to date someone meant we wanted the lesser life. I had to heal in order to accept the fact that my desires for marriage were still Godly.

(I married a Californian, by the way.)

I think that you might also be seeing the church's response to a culture that does not necessarily value monogamous relationships or marriage in general.

However, I agree that singleness in the Church isn't handled in ways that help anybody feel comfortable with their singleness. Maybe their approach was helpful 20 years ago, and as any of us who have grown up in a church would know, a lot of churches today are mimickers - if it works for one church it will probably work for ours. So I do agree that there is a challenge presented to both Singles and the Church. I have a lot of single friends, some who are totally comfortable in their "state" and some who are doing everything they can to get to the altar, granted that that is a broad range and there is a lot of area in between. The Church?s challenge is to be culturally appropriate without losing the gospel message in programming. Cory I appreciated your comment on church being a club scene/meat market. And it is the responsibility of Christianity Today to find a writer who is single that has a better understanding of the culture and audience it is trying to reach who can write on the benefits of singleness.

In defense of John Eldridge, after being raised in a family with three older brothers, and a dad, and having the husband I have, it's more than just rescuing the beauty. The "beauty" isn't the goal, it's the adventure, the chase and the pursuit of the "beauty" that most men are after. It would have been nice to see him put in to a bit more context then just two paragraphs out of an entire book to back up your opinion. And yes, I do know how to change the oil in my car. I have not ever been really girly, and I'm pretty independent and that's something my husband really digs. I can?t comment on the other books because I haven?t read them.

I really enjoyed your article, Rachel.

It all reminds me of my friend's favourite toast: "Here's to not being married!"

My friend just addressed this issue in a talk he gave to my church this weekend. He pointed out the great advantages that singles have. You can spend your time on things that married couples can't. You can stay up until 2 talking with a friend in need, you can have closer relationships with more people, you can devote your time to whatever great cause you believe in. A family require great devotion and there are just some things that singles are able to do that married folk can't. A few weeks before hearing his talk, I had come to the conclusion that I had goals and dreams that I don't want to give up for a spouse. So unless I find someone that's willing to follow me around on what might be a wild goose chase, I can wait on marriage (if I ever go through with it at all).

Well, I was single for 26 years. To be fair, for about 10 of those 26 years, I didn't want to be married, I wanted to be a GI Joe. But I certainly "felt" single starting in college right up until the time I got married. I've been married for a couple of years now, and I have some observations.

First, being married, I've had the opportunity to learn a lot of things that I wouldn't have ever learned while single. Without doing any injustice to singles, there are things about relating with other people that you simply can't learn without being married. So marriage has certainly matured me in a lot of ways.

But, I have several friends who are still single, and they are growing in ways that I can't because I am married now. They have opportunities for service and ministry that I don't, precisely because much of my service and ministry is devoted to my wife. That's not to say that I can't do ministry now, but more that I can't pour myself into it in the same ways that my single friends can.

I think the above article is correct in that singles are often unfairly forced to sit at the kids' table. They are marginalized, when their calling to singleness (be it permanent or temporary) is not worse than marriage, but merely different. The other extreme, though, is to react to the Church's excesses and assume that singleness is better than marriage, not merely different. I think it's an inaccurate reading of Paul in Corinthians to say that he was downplaying the importance of marriage...particularly since he goes on to explain something similar to what I have experienced, about married people and single people having different priorities. Anyway, we can't elevate marriage or singleness one over the other...they are both noble callings. Not that I think this article was advocating that...but we always have to be careful, lest our reaction to an error become an error in the other direction.

Sigh. Many thanks. As a single girl, I so very often feel a certain "what's wrong with you?" stare in lots of Christian settings. The implication is that I'm a nonmaternal screaming bitch who hates children, men, and puppies.

But that's just not true (not about the puppies, anyway). I'm not married because ... I'm just not. I couldn't possibly have gotten married in the last five years, because heretofore I've been this inhibited bundle of crazy when it comes to marriage -- I break out in hives when I think about my wedding day, and there's just no way I could be married without a prescription for Valium.

I'm digressing rather badly at this point. My original point was, yay for lifting the burden of shame that currently rests on single people.

A very interesting article. It isn't easy being single, either in church or in the world. The question on everybody's minds and some people's lips is usually: what is wrong with you?

I expressed one time to a friend that I have no desire to get married. His response was to tell me because I wasn't ready yet, I wasn't good enough for marriage and that God was still preparing me.

I had no response. Do married people actually think they arrived at this higher, more mature plane? I didn't know it until then. But none of the married couples I know would qualify as better than me. So I think that reasoning is a bunch of...well, you know.

Stay single if serving is your passion many of the comments are correct in saying that it is easier to do ministry as a single than as a married. I have wondered what it would be like to not have to check schedules and school activities, it sounds a bit like heaven at times. Then I wonder if I would serve selfishly and would I have an attitude when ministry got in the way of "my" time. knowing me it probably would. I was single til I was 30 and I have been married for going on 9 years. Since I have been married I have moved into full time ministry and it is quite a change. There are times it would be easier single. Then I think of the time I went to see a kid who had tried to hang himself and when I got home late that night my wife met me with a big hug and a kiss and told me she had been praying for me and the young man all night.
Single guys dont get that kind of support. There is no one state of being that is better or worse as long as, like a previous comment mentioned, our relationship with Jesus is the priority of our lives.
Before any more shots are taken at John Eldridge by nervous ladies who may not want to be rescued, if you find a man who is living the Godly man life that Eldridge is writing of I dont think you'll even notice that you are living in a castle and respected and cherished as a queen. But when you realise that you have been rescued by the Godly man that was created for you please rescue him back by letting him be your prince.
Better yet read wild at heart and you will get a better understanding of men. If you dont think it is accurate find men in your life and have them read it and report to you what they think of it. Let me know

If you think you get looks for being single, wait until you've been married for six months and you start to get the "when are you having kids" treatment. It's not exactly sitting at the kids table, it's creating the bloody table. And as the years pass, there looks and whispers start to call into question my manhood and sexual performance. "perhaps the guns not loaded" and so forth. well Screw them! We have a daughter now, but we made them wait 9 years because screw them! So that's my advice to you, single person. to paraphrase Rich Mullins, we owe allegiance to the maker of all things, not those who perport to be his spokesman.

This has mostly been an attempt at levity, but I do enjoy the discussion.

Thanks very much. Being a young person and a Christian, I find it hard not to practice idolotry, in making marriage my god.

This Lent, I gave up my promise ring and with it my expectations of God. I am dealing with that loss and I am trying to replace expectation with hope and with faith.

I am trying to be less concerned with whether or not I am permanently single or whether I am waiting to be married, instead concerning myself more with being a godly woman.

Your article said out loud what has been going on in my heart since Ash Wednesday. I didn't know how to put some of that into words, so thank you.

Josh your attempt at levity worked I laughed out loud. Screw them!

Grace you have a beautiful spirit who knows what God has in store for you He created you for a reason and the fact that you realised marriage has been an idol is evidence of maturity. As you continue into godliness your spirit will be filled with His peace and His joy so thoroughly you will forget the loss of this idol. God bless!

My younger sister recently got engaged. At my family's Thanksgiving gathering everyone asked me if I was OK with it in very sympathetic tones. I still do not think I convinced them that it did not have severe impact on my self-confidence and than I am actually alright. It was rather funny.

I agree with you, Rachel, about singles being marginalized in the church, esp singles over 35. And a new vexation has come up this year, as I've agreed to be in three weddings; two of friends and one of family. Now I've got happy couple trying to fix me up, and praying for me to find 'the one'. I've suggested that perhaps they could pray that God sends me a shiny new laptop instead, but they don't seem to get the hint. Apparently not only is being single wrong, but being a happy single is a no-no.

Hey thanks! That's awfully encouraging. God bless you too.

Great article. Thanks for your thoughts on an important, but neglected topic. I have to say that I felt a little guilty for being married, which I'm sure was not the intention, and probably just my perception. I think that it's important to remember that God is the one who instituted marriage at the very beginning and I would disagree with the idea that singleness is a "higher" calling: perhaps just a different one. It's true that singles have the opportunity to experience a depth of relationship to God and service for Him that married people cannot. However marriage is also the prime, and you could argue highest, illustration of Christ's relationship with the Church, so I think that married people also get to experience an aspect of relationship with God that single people can not understand in the same way.
Thanks again for talking about another topic the church is often neglectful of.

Thank you Rachel, and everyone for affirming this idea and calling it out.

In my opinion, marriage should be a partnership of superheroes, kinda like the wondertwins, when two people put their fists together and become better for the other's support and strength. But I can be a superheroine without being married to mr. wonderful. God's redemption and love for me pretty much puts me in the most important partnership I will ever have.

Let us stop starving out the members of our church communities who don't fit into the perfect package.

Greetings. Thanks, all, for the dialogue on the article.

Let me just put a plug here for "Sex God" by Rob Bell (my pastor) and "Real Sex" by Lauren Winner (my idol) for further reading on the issues of marriage and singleness.

Rob argues, and I would agree, that there their is a natural bend toward singleness in the Bible. In elevating marriage, one has to use society or personal opinion, not the Bible, as it's heaviest backing.

God gives us a picture of Christ as in a marriage relationship, but I don't think one could claim marriage as a parallel to God's love for us. Illustrations such as these, I believe, are God saying: "Here, in layman's terms, it miiiight be something like this..." and then God throws us a little bone. Marriage and singleness BOTH pale in comparison to God's love for us, which is unparraleled. And thank goodness for that.

I'm a mere 23 I still see marriage as a possibility. I am thankful for my current singleness for many reasons, one being that if I ever do get married, I have gained a respect for singles that I may not have otherwise.

peace to you all.

It's so weird, because i feel under the pressure to do the complete opposite. It may be because I'm only 20 but everyone i know in and around my hometown looks upon marriage with disdain because you "need to become yourself" and "marriage is just such a screwed up institution." It just doesn't make sense because i don't know how these people reconcile this to their own sexuality but i find it quite stifling. Especially when you find yourself in a meaningful relationship and the culture surrounding you says that you need to know what its like to be single before you commit. But what the hell is love without commitment?

But that stated, I support both singleness and marriage. They are both cool.

Good stuff, we needed to hear it. It should be obvious that love and marriage are about the person you are loving/marrying, NOT the institution. The institution lives to serve and better the love between two people, not the other way around. Calling marriage a more desirable state than singledom is like saying that blue is holier than orange. Some people just like orange better.

Eldrige's Wild At Heart, as far as I understood it, is a book about men being men, and claiming the right to be gentlemen, and to not be appathetic anymore. Maybe I misunderstood it.
The combining of two people in the union of marriage was created by God...it's not bad, despite how we as sinners have twisted it to our liking. It does suck that the church, at least in general, has made some people feel like being single is a bad thing, or at least not as good as being married.

A large percentage of my friends have been getting married of late (something that just seems to happen in your 20s), but no one has ever made me feel like less of a Christian or human being because I am single (well, unless you count my Grandmother...but she's from a different era where women didn't work outside the home, and you were just married, and that's it. She has recently told me that she greatly respects me for being able to survive in the world and not be married. She's so cute...). On the wedding invitations to each of these weddings it always stated some form of the following: "Believing that serving Christ is the goal of life, and that they are able to do this more effectivley with one another blah blah blah daughter of blah blah blah...etc". That's beautiful...the only reason they are getting married is because they believe that they will be able to serve God better with the aid and support of a partner (what Eve was originally to be in Genesis...a help mate). In reading these invitations never do I feel like they are saying...hey, you can't serve God if you are single...it's more like they are saying "We want to serve God, we both have out eyes fixed on Him. We're just being granted a more perminant help along the way." Marriage was designed with Glorifying God as it's main point...as is everything else in life. The Bastordization of Marriage is when you get into the compairing of singleness and marriage. Am I married...no...would I like to be one day...I don't know...if God wants it I'm all for it...but even if it's not I'm not going to let someone tell me that because I don't have a husband makes me less of a woman, or princess of God. My deepest sympathygoes to you if you have had a brother or sister in Christ make you feel like this. The church was not built as a battle ground for it's own members...and misunderstandings have caused too many battles...maybe tell people you feel like they are treating you like less of a person...you might be surprised that this was not their intention at all.

Random Side note:
Everyone is so uplifting towards each other, even when you disagree...reminds me of what a Christian should look and sound like. So thanks for everyone here who hasn't started hating people because of disagreements.

Invisible.

That's how it feels sometimes.

I, too, want so much NOT to make marriage an idol and battle this feeling every day. I know I don't do "single" well. As an only child of a single parent, I NEED to connect. Don't get me wrong, I am not knocking prayer, it's just....prayer is one sided. Prayer can't give you a hug after a crummy day or remind you to pick up some milk or offer insight to scripture that might have gone unnoticed. (I don't mean to sound trite, it's just where I am right now.)

I need a "partner in crime" or "wondertwin", so to speak.
Or at least I think I need these things.

As I was driving home from work today, my thoughts drifted to an unbeliever I dated. It was a "white knuckle" moment to resist calling him and the thought entered my head, "God is greater than this longing".
I'm still trying to let that settle because God knows exactly what I NEED versus what I want (or think I need).

When I've expressed my longing to get married, many people have said, "Oh, it'll happen. You'll get married and then one day you'll miss the time you were single." I grind my teeth and walk away. I know people mean well but sometimes they just need to shut up.

My clock is ticking louder and louder each day and there are no prospects on the horizon. I struggle to keep my focus on God and let Him lead the way. It's a battle every day to be obedient and not make marriage my idol. I wonder if longing for physical intimacy is wrong or if I'm not good enough to be blessed.

I try to make myself feel better and tell myself that God is protecting me and preserving me for the one He wants me to be with. It's cold and lonely in my single world and I wonder if He's listening anymore when I cry.