10 Qualities of a 21st Century Gentleman

As a young Christian woman I thank you for your time and thought put in to writing this.
It gives me hope to hear there are still men out there who do hold up gentleman-like qualities. More than hope the feeling of respect rises from my inner heart. I respect a man with these "10 qualities" but of course I must add to the list one more if you don't mind.
11: A sense of humor. This goes along with treating others with respect. I think it is important that a person can take themselves lightly, find the humor in difficult situations but will sidestep the easy trap of making others laugh at the cost of another.

I love these "10 Qualities", mix with some laughs and light heartedness, shaken (not stirred) I think we are given yet another glimpse into the ever amazing image of God.

I look forward to the "Qualities of a Lady". Goodness knows we ladies need some pointers. Perhaps if we all treated eachother more "lady-like" and "gentleman-like" we would joyfully raise our personal standards.

Thank you.

I think these are some great qualities that both men and women should use in their daily lives.

My question is though, are we trying to box what a man or what a women should be? I think we need to be very careful about saying exactly what a women or a man should be.

PS. I also can't wait for the qualities of a lady, but I am skeptical that I will relate to all of the qualities.

Thanks for this article. As a young women it is very encouraging to see the discussion being brought up.

I agree with the bit about not forcing chivalry. I traveled a lot last week, and sometimes people would refuse to let me carry my bag (even when I insisted I would). I figure, if I pack it I should have to carry it. (Of course, there were a couple of times when help was offered and I gladly accepted it.)

Anyway, I didn't exactly understand why I was so upset by that. Somehow I felt smaller, and a little caged. "Just because I'm a woman", I thought. I think this helped me put words to it.

All in all, an excellent list of aspirations; but I think it's good to remember that there is no "quintessential" gentleman. No list of books and countries and languages and clothing stores that are a must. I suppose I'd describe nobility as a person expressing all that is in their heart, even (especially?) the rough-edged, in the ways you've listed. I'd hate to see Christianity widely re-embrace this concept only to cookie-cutter it.

I'm also looking forward to qualities of a lady!

Caleb, thanks for the article. I also enjoyed it, and I'm sending it my husband : ) Just a few comments:

I am struck by the privilege that being a gentleman necessitates. I agree that it would be wonderful to have a liberal arts degree ( I do - and I loved my experience - and you mention not everyone can afford it - thank you!), but this is quite simply out of reach for many people. Perhaps a better goal would be to become a student of the world. Study the people around you, the cultures, the literature, etc....but not necessarily in a school. Do it every day. Meet people and listen to their stories. You did mention this, I just wanted to re-iterate it.

This idea is also related to your comment a little later, "If a topic ever comes up at the dinner table that I do not understand, I consider it a failure on my part. A gentleman is well-traveled, well-read, and well-informed."

I agree - it would be nice. But I don't believe we should consider it a failure to not know something. We should consider it an opportunity to learn from someone else (a chance to exercise humility). We shouldn't be embarrassed or ashamed by our lack of knowledge, but excited that we have the chance to learn something new. And to respect the person that is teaching us.

After all, in the last age of "the gentlemen" (circa turn of 20th century) these people had access to as much knowledge in their lifetime as we do in every single edition of the Sunday NY Times. I just simply don't have the time to know everything there is to know AND serve AND spend time with family and friends AND work.

Oh boy. It's a challenging time to be alive.

Just a few thoughts...

Okay, as a Christian man, committed to my wife and my faith, I have to say this "gentleman" is pretty boring and I would argue that if we look back upon the "heroes" of our Christian faith few if any would actually have these qualities. I can understand that men (and women) would like to know where they stand and what model to follow, but I think this kind of model distracts us from the true Biblical models.
I think I understand the point of the article, I just disagree with the premise.
Maybe I should write a blog on the 10 qualities of Biblical men following after God. Things like adultery, bigamy, xenophobia, bigotry, lying,and physical weaknesses...
The point of the this is that none of us reflect such qualities; it is the nature of Gospel receiving creatures to have our good qualities revealed through the transforming and regenerative power of the presence of God in our lives, both male and female.
The argument about gentlemanly behavior is a canard and it behooves us as Christians (men and women) to point out such things.
The article is articulate and I think some of the points are accurate, I just don't think the point of the article is correct. Of course as I am a Christian, I am open to others opinion, and possible correction.

(in response to above comment)
I hear what you're saying, but I think these qualities are worth our striving effort given the culture we find ourselves living in. The men of the Bible were flawed individuals that God chose to move through. They were oftentimes a far cry from anything resembling a gentleman. They were human, like you and I, and yet God miraculously worked through them. In my opinion, however, this does not mean that we should view our shortcomings and flaws as acceptable or unalterable nor that we should necessarily view these men as role models. We should always be striving to be better men, trusting that God is doing a good work in our hearts as we follow after Him.

I'm sorry, just wanted to add another comment real quick.

Perhaps this article can be seen as a "make-over" list...but it shouldn't

When it comes right down to it I think the very core of this is about respect. Knowledge of the world around us shows our effort to be observant to our neighbors, opening doors for others (I open doors for people even though I'm a girl) shows your taking a second to see someone else (I hesitate to use the word "bless"), humility (granted your not shouting "check me out I'm the humble-est person ever!" is a sign of taking yourself lightly. Punctual, civil, all these other things is a sign of respect towards others. Your saying by these little actions that "you have worth".

Granted I feel like a silly girl who can't help but swoon at the thought of a Mr. Darcy or a Gilbert (from Anne of Green Gables), but whats wrong with all of us taking a step up and getting outside of our comfort zones and connect with others? ( I don't think you can respect someone with out haveing some connection)

Just an added thought.

Thanks for your thoughts Caleb.

But there seems to be a lot of emphasis on getting noticed by other people in this article.

I acknowledge there is nothing wrong with having and displaying the above characteristics, but why suggest making being a gentleman our goal as men instead of simply Christlike?

Does God want to comform me to the image of the average Christian Gentleman or to His Son?

Ryan, thank you so much for your comment. I agree completely, both with the fact that the gentleman thing is boring and with the fact that "none of us (male or female) reflect such qualities." Caleb, I think these qualities are a step (or two) backwards in terms of both gender issues and personal relationship with God. Some of these qualities are qualities that all Christians- no, all people- should have. The rest of these qualities are somewhat...silly (for lack of a better word and to be less offensive). I don't think being polished has anything to do with Christianity and chivalry should be something both women and men can be. All of us should be polite and considerate and help those around us who might want or need our help. (There's nothing wrong with holding the door for a woman as long as you will go through the door when she's holding it open for you, too. I have held doors for men and they refuse to go through- it's so frustrating.) I am sure there are lots of women who want these things in a man, which I will not say is right or wrong (it's neither). But, I will say for the guys out there who don't feel that these "guidelines" feel right to them -it's ok. Just be yourself and be right with God and that's all that matters. And girls...we can get our hands dirty, too!

Ryan, thank you so much for your comment. I agree completely, both with the fact that the gentleman thing is boring and with the fact that "none of us (male or female) reflect such qualities." Caleb, I think these qualities are a step (or two) backwards in terms of both gender issues and personal relationship with God. Some of these qualities are qualities that all Christians- no, all people- should strive for sometimes. The rest of these qualities are somewhat...silly (for lack of a better word and to be less offensive). I don't think being polished has anything to do with Christianity and chivalry should be something both women and men can use. All of us should be polite and considerate and help those around us who might want or need our help. (There's nothing wrong with holding the door for a woman as long as you will go through the door when she's holding it open for you, too.) I am sure there are lots of women who want these things in a man, which I will not say is right or wrong (it's neither). But there are also a lot of women who don't care if guys are polished and oozing confidence "like a drug that intoxicates people" (yuck). These "guidelines" are unfair to the men out there who don't fit into this box. So, to these men, just be yourself and be right with God and that's all that matters. And girls...we can get our hands dirty, too!

excellent points, but my question is always: why should these be considered noteable "male qualities"? what do they have to do with the male that they don't apply to humankind in general?... an educated mind, a sense of adventure, being capable, humility, generousity, etc. seriously!

I tend to agree with Ryan, too. Some of these things are character qualities and some of them are, I don't know, side dishes. You don't have to be educated, cosmopolitan, or capable to follow God, and neither are they goals per se of following God, while being generous and civil are. They're extras, and putting forth the time and effort to achieve them might actually, depending on one's life and calling, detract from living as a Christian.

I have one small objection to what has been written: It seems as though the writer is assuming that a Christian gentleman is an American. Some things such as education (and access to it), traveling experience, and dress are luxuries (or, rather, what we've come to feel are the rights) of a Westerner. I certainly agree that all believers are to bear a resemblence to their Father in their hearts and deeds. But I would venture to guess that a poor, Christian, farming man in the mountains of China would, based on some of the before mentioned quailites, appear to be less of a gentleman in our eyes than the average working American man who must put down his PS2 (oh, the luxury of hobbies!) in order to concentrate on being a better husband and gentleman.

Caleb,
Great bit of writing. I would have to agree with you one 100%. I try to be all of these qualities everyday. It can be hard sometimes.

Your list is good, but I like this list better: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentelness and self-control. What could be more attractive than a man who pursues Jesus with his whole heart and allows himself to be transformed into His image? Personally, I'd rather be with someone who is pursuing Godly kindness and gentleness than someone in pursuit of chivalry and cosmopolitaness (yep, i made that word up). If in being transformed into Jesus' image, chivalry is produced, than great! But if it's not rooted in Christ isn't it just a gesture that anyone could make? Even someone with false intentions?

Caleb, thank you for your article. Your article enters a long-standing conversation that my friends and I have about the fact that men don't seem to know how to be men anymore. We call them "Man-boys" as they haven't quite let go of High School behavior.

To me, your article was less about a list to follow and more about Stepping up to the Plate and being a man.

Diane -- my female friends call them "Peter Pans" and have a running discussion of who's the biggest "Peter Pan" amongst the 25-years-and-older males at the church we attend. It's funny to listen to, but also quite sad, mostly because there are days when I revel in my Peter Pan-ness & days when I know that I have to get off my ass and grow up.

BTW -- I prefer Heidi's list to Caleb's....

Great article.... fits into what the Bible says in Phil 4:8:

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable�if anything is excellent or praiseworthy�think about such things."

Thanks for sparking a valuable conversation.

I wish it were easier to let go of the high school behavior, but I'm trying. It's sad that we've extended adolescence through college...

Is this effing serious??

I vote yes on all ten. Good thoughts.

As for the complaint that the list above doesn't follow "biblical" models, I'm not sure I'm understanding you. So because any particular biblical character is xenophobic, modern gentlemen should be xenophobic, or it's okay for them to be xenophobic?

I get it that modern guydom shouldn't feel pressured to conform to this particular set of gentlemanly ideals in order to be a God-pleasing man. But as far as describing every kind and Kingdom-oriented guy I know, this list looks pretty good to me.

Come on, don't give your jacket to a female co-worker unless she is experiencing hypothermia? lol, this has to be a joke. I do agree with some of it, but much of it just plain laughable. All gentlemen are cosmopolitan and should have liberal arts educations? What world are you living in? There's nothing wrong with being cosmopolitan or getting a liberal arts education, but seriously... i kept waiting for the punchline at the end of this thing.

Not sure where this would be found in ancient Scripture, but I would add - A Christian gentleman is always mindful of those who work in retail, never gets frustrated with people who earn minimum wage, and would normally tip a generous amount.

Great list, Caleb. I certainly didn't get the impression that you were presuming to provide an alternative to the Biblical standards for character (male or female), but rather issuing a challenge for the all-too-many twenty-something Christian guys who don't know where (or what) Darfur is but could provide a synopsis of every episode of "Family Guy". Well done.

Oh, and long live chivalry!

I appreciate what Caleb is trying to do here. Young men, particularly American ones, are more and more willing to delay maturity for the sake of appearance to the opposite sex.

That said, the world is crying out for authenticity from peers, neighbors, and leaders. The authenticity that comes from knowing Christ intimately takes care of 7-8 of the 10 items mentioned. I am not sure that education, polish, and being in-the-know correlate highly with knowing Christ, although they are certainly not inherently negative. One would hope that knowing Christ would rid us of much of our human ego and make us curious enough to consider education, presentation, and the world we live in.

Thank you for your insight into what it means to be a Christian gentleman. I am a young man who thinks of these things every now and then, and its good to see that other people care just as much. Peace to you.

Caleb,
Great list! We need more modern day Renaissance Men.

And to those who cannot see past their criticisms: education is something anyone can seek. Most just need guidance (as such from a college environment), cleanliness and neatness can be applied to any person in any culture - as can "Cosmopolitan" knowledge (Pertinent or common to the whole world: an issue of cosmopolitan import.)

So read beneath the surface here, folks. This is obviously written to an American Male audience. The themes are without boundaries.

Knowledge, awareness, politeness, timeliness, charity, thriftiness, cleanliness, honor, meekness, strength. What of these aren't Biblical qualities?

Too many of these comments are critical. It's embarrassing.

It's kind of odd that Solomon would say, "For wisdom will enter your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul" and then later in Ecclesiastes say that with much knowledge comes much sorrow.

Psalm 15

I really appreciate you writing this article. I can think of several guys who embody these characteristics, and as a female I appreciate them all the more for it.
Being aware of your environment and knowing how to respond is so important. Many of these characteristics are biblical... and the others make those who possess them that much more attractive and pleasant to be around. Thank you for taking the time to point these things out.
I like it. *high five*

I laughed at the last paragraph about the wife writing a list for women, because I can't imagine that it should be any different. Sure you could reword the same concepts and put "modesty" in place of "sharp dressed," but in the end I see these 10 things applying to all people wanting to be decent and respectful to those around them. So, my first reaction was that this should not have been written to men specifically. However, I read it again and disagree with my first reaction.

In the desire to celebrate the modern woman, I think our society has forgotten about the modern man. And guess what, he's gotten fat, lazy, and still lives with his mom. I'm talking about an archetype here, not men in general. So I can understand the desire to reinvent the modern man archetype by reviving the good qualities that once defined a person as a "gentleman" even if I as a woman desire to have those same qualities.

This list sounds good to me, but to encourage the uneducated and the weak, I would suggest that that the character of a man described by this list is more studly or cultured than gentlemanly. I think Heidi was spot on with the fruits of the spirit. In anycase though there is certainly nothing wrong with Christian guys being studly and cultured. I think items 3,5,8,9 and 10 would describe a gentleman more than the others.

Regarding chivalry though I would add that the gentleman does not do injustice to women with the way he looks at women or thinks about women. Respecting women and not lusting after or taking advantage of them is truly what makes a gentleman when it comes to women, more than opening doors and giving up coats. Be ing a gentleman towards women happens first in your heart, but I promise if you really live it, they will know and it will overflow into things like coats and doors.

Finally I whole heartedly agree with humility and confidence being attributes of a gentleman. For guys, I promise the quickest way to lose confidence is give in to the lust of the flesh. I agree with Caleb that a lot of Christian guys are humble but not too many of them are confident and sadly I think that comes from the fact that so many young men are feeding regularly upon the gratuitous sexuality of our degraded culture.

"This young gentleman is escorting me to jail."

-Susan B. Anthony

I too find it prudent to balance gentlemanliness with a healthy respect for the opinion of the lady. If she doesn't want her bags carried for her, don't carry her bags.

After all, you can't force gentlemanliness on a woman. To force gentility is a contradiction in terms. One cannot be a "gentle man" if one is not gentle.

"Men are respectable only as they respect."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

very poignant...my best friend and i have discussed this 'crisis' for a very long time...
another point i believe to be made is that a true gentlemen is a faithful husband and an involved father...
christian men should be leading the way on these virtues...

--tony

The word "Gentlemen" is well often misunderstood and the meaning archaic in within our culture.

One thing to note is that the original meaning is someone who had been born into an inheritance.

These men who were born into this inheritance had certain qualities that were expected of them.

What I noticed is that the 10 things could be things Christians sort of dress themselves with.

If its true that we are born into an Christian inheritance then so be it. Be a follower, be a gentleman be a true Christian.

Don't let the word "Christian" go the way of the word "gentleman" which today simply means "a good man". (this point loosely paraphrased from Lewis)

The other thing that I wish to read about is the concept of "King" vs. the concept of "President" and how that has changed in our Western mind and what things we may be missing out on as a result. Because Christ is King.

Oh yeah I do take pride in my t-shirts and flip-flops and surf clothing at work. Uh... I live in So.Cal and I surf nearly every day. :)

I believe this is a great article. I believe the benefits of being a gentleman go further than just "looking good." And just to make this point further, we shouldn't rely on others to value ourselves. If we do, we let them control who we are. So go about you way as you, if someone tries to pull you down, ignore it. They don't control you.

Now, going back to the topic of being a gentleman. Probably the best thing about being a gentleman is the ability to push through hard times without going through the motions of self-pity and depression. Many young men of this generation feel like its ok to express themselves emotionally and open themselves up to the world exposing there inner feelings. But this rawness of emotions brings out the worst in us (men). We tend to be aggressive, violent, and angry when we let ourselves go on like this for years. I'm a prime example of this. I have managed to get over it, but because of the constant exposure of emotion to the world, I became like a wounded animal lashing out at anyone who tries to touch me. If I lost a job, I'd become depressed. I'd argue and fight with anyone who tried to give me advices, feeling as if I was being criticized. But the one thing that pulled me out of this viscous cycle was to stand up, wipe my tears, stiffen my upper lip and face the world with confidence and humility.

Being a gentleman isn't about looking good, no. Rather it's much like having manors. It's not about looking polite and pompous, but rather it's about respecting the space and honor of those around you. It all boils down to awareness of self and of the world around you. When you are aware and respectful of yourself, and of the ones around you, then you are a gentleman.

I found this list very intriguing. Many of the attributes are, of course, excellent and worth aspiring towards-- humility among others. However, I also found this, as others have commented, to be very middle-class American. I understand this may or may not be what was in your mind, but it was very much part of the impression. Many people do not have opportunities to receive college educations (and in ten years this list would probably claim they need graduate degrees). One has to wonder if being a gentleman is what men should be aspiring towards or if being a gentle man is but a part of what Christian men, and people, look like as a whole.

Hey Caleb,

I loved your articlcle and frankly,to the rest of you random bloggers out ther... What Caleb was basically was just showing qualities of a Gentlemen..in which men these day have lost...sure these qualities would be great among all of humanity, but he wasn't addressing humanity..he was addressing men..simple as that.

This article made me cringe and, yet, agree with nearly all of it. I hate the idea that I need to look or act a certain way to gain respect. One thing that the naysayers should notice is that the article doesn't prescribe particular dress, but basically says, "don't be a slob," which is good advice for anyone. The bit about the surfer look, was pointed at the fact that some guys dress super-casual on all occasions. Well, in order to be all things to all people, you sometimes have to suck it up and put on a pair of long pants, and maybe even a shirt without holes worn in it, as a sign of respect to the place or event you are attending. I wore a ratty t-shirt to a wedding once, and I felt like a jerk later, because I was too much of a slob to dress nice for a friends' wedding, even though nobody bothered me about it. I never made that mistake again.
All of the advice listed here has a strong basis in scripture, even things like education. Sure, you can't always afford a higher education, but there is no excuse not to be educated in today's society if you live in the first world, so to speak. On average, Christians in the US appear to be somewhat less educated and thoughtful than non-Christians. I more often hear uneducated, insensitive, and prejudiced ideas from Christians than anyone else. As a Christian, this makes me sad, and I understand why many of my non-Christian friends have a low estimation of Christians in general. If you live in the US, there is absolutely no reason why you can't get a Bachelor's Degree. If you grew up in poverty, the government practically gives you a free ride through public universities. You may have to get a part-time job and take out a low-interest loans (boo hoo), but it is doable. If we are to be prepared in season and out to defend the gospel, we need a broad education to be able to understand the world and the viewpoints out there so we can relate to people and be taken seriously. A note of caution: going to a conservative Christian college can be worse than no higher education at all.

Not all Christian men are Americans, nor do they aspire to be. As I read this article, I sensed that this may have been forgotten.