35 Year-Old Virgin
“The Christian life has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found difficult and not tried.” - G.K. Chesterton
I got married just over three years ago. I was 35 years old. I was a virgin.
(For about four billion people on the planet, their response would be, “Of course you were. It was your duty.”)
I come from Canada and am now living in Sweden. According to the western world, I was a freak - just five years off the film that made such a Big Deal about an adult virgin.
It was a deliberate choice that I made, again and again. (No-one growing up in this media-saturated culture stays a virgin merely by default.) I made this choice in the context of my relationship with God and my desire to try to honour him with every part of my life.
I was comfortable with non-Christian friends being, at best, baffled by this choice. What blew me out of the water recently was the way this choice of mine was casually dismissed by Christians who I know well. I would have bet the farm that we had pretty much the same understanding of this matter. Good thing I don’t own a farm.
Because I am writing about just this part of my life, it will come across as skewed - as looming larger than it has. There is also the chance that I will come across as shrill - never appealing. But I have to give this a try.
And now here’s the bit where I do some pre-emptive back-pedalling.
God doesn’t love me because I didn’t have sex until after I was married. I’m not saved because of that. If pre-martial virginity is all I have to show for this life I get to live, that’s pathetic.
I also understand the longing, the desire, the ache, the waiting waiting waiting. We are created to relate in lots of ways, and one of them is genitally. For most of us, God’s plan includes sharing life with a spouse, and part of this is expressed sexually. It is not good for us to be alone.
I was never in denial about my identity as a sexual being, as a woman. There is a difference between repression (“I don’t have sexual desires, no sir, not me”) and sublimation (the channelling of those desires into non-sexual and positive pursuits).
I do not want to cause pain to anyone reading this. Life is complicated, and we all of us make decisions that we regret. Some decisions don’t feel much like choices at all. Grace and forgiveness are real. I could write a novel about the ways in which I fall down, again and again, and just because they aren’t overtly sexual doesn’t make them any better.
I am also not trying to convince anyone who has very deliberately made choices - anyone reading this who thinks that it’s no big deal, as a Christian, to sleep with a boyfriend or girlfriend if you’re in love or serious or engaged - anyone who doesn’t see a problem with living together before marriage.
However, for anyone reading this who feels, deep down, that amongst all the other things that are important in life, that this is also important, I want to encourage you: it is important. It does matter what we do with our bodies, and a desire to pursue holiness in this way is a precious thing. So what if everyone around you thinks you are crackers, even your Christian friends. Don’t believe the lie that you are alone. You are not alone.
There has been a lot of emphasis the last couple of years on reclaiming elements of our monastic heritage. There are communities of young people who are urban monks - living out God’s love and calling in the midst of poverty and other need. We applaud a vow of poverty - we are aware of the snare of materialism. We applaud a vow of obedience - we strive to bring every part of our lives captive to God.
And how about that vow of celibacy?
Really?
Okay, maybe for a couple of years when you’re, like, 19. But there is just no way celibacy is possible in this day and age.
But it is. I am living proof of that, by the grace of God. I would like to emphasize the “by the grace of God” part again.
These three vows were very well thought through, and show a great deal of understanding of the way we function, we human beings, and the things that can be abused and entangle us. If the first two still make sense then I don’t think that we can afford to junk the third one without at least thinking about it.
The Bible has things to say about sexual behaviour that is not pleasing to God. The only context in which sex is what it was designed to be - and it is designed to be GOOD and pleasurable and intimate and comforting - is in the context of marriage. The Bible never explicitly says, “Thou shalt not have sex until you are married.” I have heard Christians say this, suggesting that, therefore, the line does not need to be drawn there. However, if we know anything at all about the cultural context in which the Bible was written, we know that it was so obvious that it didn’t need spelling out. If Jesus had stood up and said that, the response would have been a resounding, “Well, DUH.”
I am going to draw an analogy here that might cause hackles to rise. In the decades of apartheid in South Africa, the white church there used various verses and passages from the Bible (often playing fast and loose with context) to justify the systematic oppression of the majority population. Theirs was a minority opinion that the rest of the church worldwide did not share.
Posted on November 12, 2007 12:00 AM
Comments
Thanks for sharing something so personal, Susan. You're right -- it's God whom we are accountable to, not anyone else. It's important to make our own decisions and not be swayed by the opinions of others. While I think there's always temptation, I agree it becomes more of a non-issue when we know ahead of time what we believe God wants from us and how we therefore want to act.
I liked the approach you took, too, because I think it's important to realize that not everyone was raised with the same beliefs, not everyone came to know Christ at a young age, and not everyone has the same understanding of God. Therefore it's important to support each other and to not judge, yet to enlighten each other.
Also, many of the very social causes that people stand up for are, in fact, related to sex -- whether it be AIDS (a sexually transmitted disease) or poverty (families broken up because of unfaithful spouses or unwanted babies born into dire circumstances).
Posted by: Stephanie Nikolopoulos | November 12, 2007 1:11 PM
Initially, this article and the comment preceding mine, bothers me. But, I�m assuming that you anticipated mixed reviews, considering that you posted an article on a website which draws a diversified readership.
To be honest, the arguments that you present seem a bit jumpy. You begin by saying that your aim is not to �convince� anyone, but then follow immediately with a paragraph about how important it is to remain holy, i.e., pure. This is almost certainly an implication of your true feelings, but dolled up in such a way as to �not offend� your opinionated adversaries.
Alas, the point of my comment is not to dress down your writing style. I applaud your boldness to communicate your thoughts and to place yourself in a position to be challenged.
And challenge I will.
What seems unfortunate to me, Susan, is that you have come into contact with people who clearly exhibit a nominal understanding of sexuality as it pertains to ones spiritual endeavors.
It has been my experience as well, that the bulk of Christian affiliates have a particularly short-minded approach to their sexuality (or lack thereof).
However, I am of the persuasion that the conversation need not hover amongst the lowlands, fighting tit-for-tat about the technicalities of Biblical interpretations, because, as you mentioned, the Bible has much to say regarding the immorality of promiscuity.
My hope is that we can elevate our focus and discuss some of the reasons why people are finding themselves incapable of upholding such high standards. While you claim that those pursuing a celibate lifestyle are �not alone�, we must admit that the segment of the population of sex-able age who have maintained their virginity is slim. Minimal, even.
What I see to be a root cause is the church�s Virgin Mandate and the subsequent lack of legitimate discussion of sexuality among young and old alike. When congregations are weekly guilted into submission with questions like, �What if your decisions actually make God sad?� etc., what you end up with are people who are so sick of being bitched at and manipulated, that they bounce to the opposite polarity.
THAT is precisely when you hear people talking about your �out-dated� perspectives and THAT is precisely when your pursuit of pre-marital virginity draws baffled looks and aggravating conversations. Please recognize that it isn�t a person�s lack of commitment to �The Cause�.
In my opinion it is the natural consequence of a shallow discussion of an issue which humanity is biologically and spiritually wired to pursue.
Hm. I just found myself tired of writing. Perhaps there will be more in the coming days, but for now, our dialogue is certainly over.
I guess I�ll end with this quote that I think of sometimes, since I can come up with nothing clever-er to end with.
�Sexuality poorly repressed unsettles some families; well repressed, it unsettles the whole world.�
Goodnight.
Posted by: Sarah S. | November 17, 2007 10:05 AM
Stephanie - Thanks so much for your comment, for taking the time to encourage me. I prayed a lot that I would be able to share my story and my perspective without jumping on those who don't agree. And you are right; so much else plays into the way sexuality is expressed - AIDS and poverty being two examples.
Sarah - Thanks so much for your comment, for taking the time to challenge me. You are right - I knew that putting this piece out there would mean mixed reviews.
I agree that the church in general has done a poor job of teaching on and discussing sexuality. Double standards have been the norm for much of the time. Women especially have suffered from the whole madonna/whore duality - as if any one description could apply to everyone, or as if there were no other options. Much of the discussion has been shallow, where it has happened at all.
'Just say no' is shallow in the extreme, and certainly spiritual blackmail and manipulation produces nothing meaningful, and can do a great deal of harm. But statements such as 'your decisions can make God sad' can still be true, even if the motives or delivery are suspect.
We are biologically and spiritually wired as sexual beings - but we perhaps differ on the ways sexuality can be expressed, and if it always has to involve our genitals.
You are no doubt right when you say that it is just a mininal segment of the population who remain virgins into adulthood - but I suspect that the stats look different outside of the western world. And just now the western church is a minority of the church worldwide.
I would never suggest that those who disagree with me are less committed to The Cause. We are all a part of the body of Christ, and at the same time working out our salvation one-on-one with God. We are to pursue holiness, with God's help. God looks different, living out his purposes in my life and in your life, because we are different, and he created us to be just the people we are.
But I hope that my decisions don't relegate me to some fringe - because I too am trying to live out my commitment to The Cause.
Thanks for writing and listening. Peace.
Posted by: Susan Carlen | November 18, 2007 12:35 PM
It seems to me that "It does matter what we do with our bodies" is the most important and profound line of this article.
The line warrents unending discussion, but for now I think we might do well to just hear those words and dwell on them for a good while.
Thank you for your article.
Posted by: Grete | November 29, 2007 12:43 PM
Hi Susan,
I, too, am a 35 year old virgin, and while I appreciate your article, I think you left a lot out. It is as a 35 year old virgin without a date, much less a boyfriend or anyone I might think I would marry, that I know how UNREALISTIC it is to wait so long.
I don't believe for one second that everyone is supposed to wait until their mid-30's. I wish you would have spoken about the unrealistic standards for marriage (you're just not mature enough yet, God is still working on you, you're still young, etc.) Is it really God's plan that puberty happens in the teenage years and then we get married 10-20 years later? What if I want kids? 35 is a bit old for that. I honestly don't even know if I can have them anymore.
What about the feelings of being "not quite grown up" or being condescended to once people know? What about the very real experience that some men (even Christians) don't want to date virgins because they are sexually experienced and want someone else who is as well? The knowledge that sexual standards are changing and the fear that you can't "measure up" once you start? The fear that you'll wait and then not like it once you're married because your most "virile" years are behind you and you're heading toward menopause?
What about the sexually active couples you know who get married and have kids even though their sex lives dishonor God? That never bothered you? Not once?
I believe that you stayed a virgin until marriage and I'm actually proud of you for doing so, but I think the tone of your article sounds a little sanctimonious, as if it was easy and you just breased through 35 years of virginity on faith alone, so everyone should be able to do it or they just don't care about God.
After waiting, and STILL waiting, I have found that the church is much more interested in preserving virginity than in teaching about how to have real relationships. If young people were actually prepared for marriage, they could handle it. However, the church keeps God's standards for sex and the world's standards for marriage (not too young, graduate and get financially stable first). Most people will not wait that long.
Sex is the only God-given way for humans to reproduce on the earth. I don't believe that God wants us to have it before marriage, but it's not easy to brush aside for a reason.
Congratulations to you, but I wish you had something more constructive to say to those who are waiting than "I had faith and you should too."
Posted by: Kay | February 22, 2008 10:28 PM