2007 in Review

Earlier in the year I worked on putting together a submission packet to get work as a late night TV writer. I think we all know how that story worked out. Regardless, I wrote a bunch of monologue jokes which I never did anything with but now can at least provide a small snapshot of the past year. (Or at least the part of the year when I was writing them.) At your expense, here’s some samples:

- The Chinese government released today it has developed significant technology to begin initial testing of human cloning. Experts fear if this trend continues within 20 years the nation could consist of nothing but an endless sea of identically sized people who all look the same.

- Richard Gere is playing fraudulent Howard Hughes biographer Clifford Trim in his upcoming film about the unauthorized book scandal from the 1970’s. In an interview Gere said, “Yeah there’s some rats out there that’ll really take advantage of you if you let ‘em.”

- Renowned physicist Stephen Hawking returned to Earth after completing a voyage on a special plane equipped to provide bursts of weightlessness similar to what astronauts experience in space. In a flight to L.A. last week Nicole Richie experienced the same phenomenon after taking off her watch and sunglasses.

- Chinese authorities admitted today large batches of pet food sent to America were contaminated with deadly toxins. Interestingly, enough South Koreas received the same batches and said it killed their dogs just fine.

- In the Democratic debate last night, Hillary Clinton said she would not have voted to authorize military action in 2002 had she known what she knows now. -That it might cost her votes in 2008. Also in the debate, Senator John Edwards responded to questions about spending $400 of campaign money on a haircut by saying, “It was a mistake, which we remedied.” Quickly recovering on the topic of gay rights, Edwards bragged, “Hey, I give 400 bucks a week to the gayest dude I’ve ever seen.”

- Researchers say they are close to discovering the reason why a quarter of American honeybees have disappeared since November. Yeah, it appears Winnie the Pooh has been binging and purging again. Sorry kids. But in all fairness, it’s partly your fault. It’s about control for him now.

- Seventh graders on a field trip in Perryville, Arkansas voted to have rabbit for dinner during the trip, but were horrified when the rabbit was butchered in front of them as an exhibit of life in the third world. Locals say it was the worst hare cutting experience since Hillary’s “Do in 82.”

- United States Senator Trent Lott has finally settled a lawsuit he filed against State Farm Insurance for the loss of his Louisiana beachfront summer home which was destroyed by Hurricane Katrina. So, score one for the common man.

- The Pope is set to abolish the concept of limbo from the Catholic Church. Unbaptized Catholic babies will now be ushered directly into heaven after death. As for atheist kids…well…lets just say they’ll have to limbo a little lower now.

- A new group where members agree to share vital organs exclusively with each other in the event of their deaths has raised some controversy. Leading the protesters is Brigitte Nielsen after receiving a preemptive, “Thanks, but no thanks,” rejection slip in the mail.

- Fidel Castro has returned to his duties as president of Cuba after recovering from intestinal surgery in July. Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez stated that, “Castro has been doing a lot of thinking since his return to power. But that might just be his crapping face.”

- Since October the United States has only allowed 68 Iraqi refugees to enter the country. Critics say it’s because the White House doesn’t want to give the appearance people are trying to get out of Iraq. But supporters say it might just be because things are going so incredibly awesome over there.

- “The View” co-host Elisabeth Hasselbeck announced on the show this week she is pregnant. Early ultrasounds could not reveal the sex of the baby as it appeared tightly balled in the fetal position with its hands over it’s ears.

- The Washington press is abuzz over Queen Elizabeth now making her fifth official visit to the United States in the past 50 years. Reporters there say they haven’t seen this many pages on a Queen since Mark Foley left office.

- Scores of people turned out for a casting call in Georgia for the film “Hogzilla” about the true story of a rumored 12 foot long, 1000 pound giant hog that terrorized the state in 2004. Also in the news, Rosie O’Donnell is leaving “The View” to focus on other projects.

- Experts say the highly anticipated De La Hoya/ Mayweather fight could earn over $100 million in revenue, making it the highest-grossing fight in history. The second most grossing fight in history? Eisenhower’s bout with irritable bowel in ‘56 .

- Wal-Mart is recalling Sesame Street bibs from around the country after discovering they contain high levels of lead, which has been known to cause brain damage. Wal-Mart spokesmen say overall they don’t think the situation will make any difference with their customers.

This joke has been brought to you by the letter, “duhhhh.” (Trailing off with a slurred voice.)

- Alec Baldwin was in court today regarding his child custody case. Also in court was Paris Hilton for violating probation on a reckless driving charge. Both parties say they were still angry at the pigs that put them there.

- Of course, all of the Presidential candidates are trying to raise money these days. I’m sure you’ve heard George Steinbrenner is now a big contributor for Giuliani’s campaign. - Which just proves once again, you can’t buy yourself a winning team.