Hindsight is 20/20

I was thinking. You know what would have been really helpful during the Black Death? Wet wipes. Yeah, wet wipes would have been migh-ty handy. Ooo! And Tupperware too. How about some mousetraps? Seriously, who ya gotta kill to get some mousetraps around here?

14.) So misunderstood.

If I were a disgruntled jester feeling a bit outcast for having what was considered to be ‘off-color’ material, I think I would just sort of casually bide my time until the big battle that would decide the ultimate fate of the nation was at hand. Then I’d secretly replace the King’s sword so when he pulled it out to lead the charge and yelled, “For the Queen!!,” there would be a jumbo-sized tampon in its place. Now that’s what I call comedy.

15.) Argh you serious?

Somewhere on the high seas back in the days when pirates swashbuckled and were known for bountiful amounts of rickets and scurvy, some captain had to be the first to say to a couple of his maties, “Argg me harties, I want to see you two sea dogs swab the poopdeck.” And when he did so the maties must have just stood there in incredulity, kind of looking out of the corner of their eyes at each other before one quietly said, “I don’t know what the heck he’s talkin’ about, but I ain’t doin’ it.”

16.) Legends are made.

As he sat in the barber chair considering the vast achievements he would no doubt be remembered for and cherished for countless generations to come, he figured, why not go for it? It’s just a haircut. It’s not like anyone’s going to care. -Thus transpires the legend of Sir Reginald Mullet.

17.) Pakistan parliament; recess 1960 - during planning talks on new capital.

“I’m not crazy about the name.”

“Yeah I know. It’s a bad name.”

“Why not Islamagood? Or Islamanotsobad? “

“I know! But the Prime Minister insists…”

“How about Otherfaithsabad?”

“Anything at this point!”

“Yeah, why not Arellamasbad? I mean, get people’s minds on something else.”

“Shh, here he comes.”

18.) “Pranks on Jacque”

Prank #137 - August 21, 1982

Jacques Cousteau, 50 ft under water and surrounded by deadly sharks, activates aqua-lung. Instead of air stream, hears:

(loudly) “I’m all out of love, I can’t live without you…”

Frantic, he turns valve off, waits an eternal 10 seconds, then turns it back on…

“Even the nights are better, since I found you…”

Above, the semi-stoned crew of The Calypso breaks down in hysterics.

19.) This handbasket has wheels.

I bet mankind really started to go downhill after the wheel was invented. (Before that they just sort of ‘scooted’.)

20.) Awkward Silences in History

Van Gogh breakfast table; 1889

GIRLFRIEND: I hear they’re doing wonders with prosthetic ears these days.

silence

V (putting down newspaper): What’s that supposed to mean?

GIRLFRIEND: Nothing, nothing. Just making conversation, that’s all.

silence

V: Listen, if you’ve got something to say just say it.

GIRLFRIEND: I don’t have anything to say. (smiling nicely) In fact, you know what, forget I even mentioned it.

silence

V: Because I thought you liked one eared guys-

GIRLFRIEND: I do, I do! I’m crazy about them. Love the one ear. Big fan of the one ear.

silence

V: ‘Cause if you don’t like the one ear just tell me.

GIRLFRIEND: Oh Vinc-

V: You would tell me if didn’t like the one ear-?

GIRLFRIEND: Enough already with the one ear! I love the one ear! Wetting myself over the one ear! Always been very mono-ear. You know this. In fact, I think it’s, it’s, cute. Ok?

Both return to reading papers, Vincent sighs and looks around

V: You paused.

GIRLFRIEND: What? I didn’t pause.

V: Yes, you did. You said, I think its, its, its ehh cute.

GIRLFRIEND: Seriously Vincent, I am not having this conversation right now.

V: But you did pause! At least acknowledge that you paused!

GIRLFRIEND: Drop it!!

silence

V: (picking up paper and slamming it down again): Well I can’t drop it now, you got me all self conscious! Thanks a lot. My whole day is ruined. It’s a complete wash. (standing up) You’re a real piece of work, you know that?

Vincent storms off. Girlfriend stares off contemplatively then slowly reaches up to feel one of her ears. Before leaving, Vincent looks back and they make eye contact.

*****************************************