God Wants You to Read This Article

I’ve been a Christian long enough to know that the best way to avoid
unwanted advice is to play the God card.

Want to blow your savings on a trip to Vegas? Just explain to your
parents that God is leading you to minister among the sinners. Want to
break up with your current boyfriend because you’ve got your eye on
another? Try, “It’s not you. It’s God.” Want to justify a career move, a
relocation, a big family decision, or a new purchase? Tell anyone who
questions you to take it up with God because it was His call, not yours.
Want to avoid taking responsibility when things don’t go as planned?
Place the burden on a higher power and no one will blame you for your
mistakes.

Trust me. It works. In fact, I’ve gotten pretty good at playing the God
card over the years. I’ve even found ways to gently slip it into my
conversations in order to appear spiritual without being overt. For
example, by calling the creative financing involved in the purchase of
my new gas-guzzling SUV a “blessing,” I avoid uncomfortable questions
about whether I really needed a third vehicle in my driveway to begin
with. Clearly, it was a gift from God. No one is going to challenge His
act of mercy and benevolence.

Other useful words and phrases include: “calling” (It is my calling to
quit school and start a band), “peace” (I feel an inner peace about my
decision to date my best friend’s ex), and “laid it on my heart” (God
has laid it on my heart to tell you you’re an idiot.)

Of course, playing the God card is pretty simple until someone plays it
on you. It’s always a bit awkward when God tells you to do a Bible study
on the book of Romans and your co-leader to do a Bible study on the book
of Revelation. (In that situation I would recommend recruiting a friend
whose affinity for the Romans Road can serve as a confirmation of God’s
will in the matter. “Seeking confirmation” is code for finding someone
who agrees with you.)

But be warned that playing the God card can sometimes lead to heated
discussions, like when He seems to want both John McCain and Barack
Obama to be president. It’s inevitable that some know-it-all will ask
how God could be both for the war and against it, both for amnesty and
against it, both a Democrat and a Republican-(making Him out to be some
sort of divine flip-flopper, if you ask me.) Just ignore it, and go on
“seeking confirmation” among friends who agree with you politically.
It’s important to surround yourself with people like you so that God
tells everyone basically the same thing.

You see, playing the God card is a centuries-honored tradition, one we
certainly don’t want to neglect. During the Civil War, both the Union
and the Confederacy claimed the favor of God, with Christians from the
South using the Bible to support their ownership of slaves. The Crusades
of the Middle Ages were often justified by the notion that God wanted to
usher in His kingdom through the conquering of non-Christian people.
When Galileo suggested that the earth might move, the Church gently
reminded him that God wanted it to stay still. Our history proves that
playing the God card can help you get what you want.

I would only caution that you refrain from playing the God card when
talking with non-Christians. For some reason, these folks seem to think
it is somehow disingenuous to use God to support your decisions, a sin
comparable to taking His name in vain. But what do they know.

Otherwise, feel free to play the God card when you don’t want to answer
uncomfortable questions or take responsibility for your actions. I’ll be
happy to serve as confirmation of God’s will anytime you need - unless of
course He’s told me something different.