Billy Ivey’s Open Letters to Trojan, Part 1
(Editor’s Note: Billy Ivey is a contributor to The Ankeny Briefcase, and his open letters to Trojan will be featured here over the next month or so.)
“Edwina’s insides were a rocky place where my seed could find no purchase.” —Raising Arizona
Lucky sumbitch.
*****
07-25-06
There’s no easy way to say this out loud, so I thought I’d write it down and then accept your commiseration throughout the days/weeks/months ahead.
I will need your support, prayers, understanding… and beer now more than ever before. Here goes:
My wife is pregnant. She is due some time around Valentine’s Day. And don’t say “Awwwww,” because we do not consider that cute, romantic, “fun” or “how appropriate.”
Yes, this will be child number four. No, we were not trying to get pregnant. And, yes, we know what causes this sort of thing.
In fact, if anyone asks me the question, “Don’t you guys know what causes that sort of thing?” I might stab you with a pencil. We’ve been asked that question as a reaction to our previous three “announcements” innumerable times, and it is – quite frankly – getting a little old.
Anna Beth, Benjamin and Merrie Cannon are all wonderful kids. They are beautiful, smart, individual and perfect in their own little ways. So, it’s difficult to not be a little bit excited about bringing a new Ivey into the world… we just weren’t counting on it any time soon (at all, really).
Let’s just say that TROJAN is gonna get a nasty little note from Yours Truly throughout the next 18+ years.
*****
07-26-06
Dear Trojan…
Thanks for nothing, a-holes.
“99.9%” my hairy, white arse.
*****
07-29-06
Dear Trojan…
My wife threw up in the kitchen sink last night.
Our disposal is broken, you bastards.
Thanks a lot.
Posted on January 8, 2007 12:00 AM
Comments
Dear Billy
You didn't by chance by your Trojans at the 99 Cent Store? I've seen them selling condoms and even early pregnancy tests. Once I bought a hair color kit there. My hair came out green. The box was green, not the man's hair. That taught me. My guess , your Trojans were really water balloons.
The good thing is, if you keep procreating, your youngest might still be in school when you 65. Maybe you won't have to go into assisted living.
Here's to a quiver full on your ass.
Susan (childless and staying that way) Isaacs
Posted by: Susan Isaacs | January 12, 2007 11:22 PM
Dear "Childless and staying that way":
The "Dollar Tree" is NOT a 99-cent store! Hence the name.
I obviously had a little bit more sense than you did while trying to be Miss Vidal Sassoon. But green hair can be cool in some places... One more kid, and I am officially white trash, no matter where I end up.
Thanks for writing,
Ass a-quiverin'.
Posted by: Billy | January 13, 2007 9:33 AM
Dear Ass a-quiverin',
Four children does not quite make one white trash (just ask a Mormon or Catholic). Being white trash is all about the accessories -- the busted fridges, the rusted cars, the too-small tank-tops, the bad haircuts, and the missing/broken/discolored teeth.
I'm from SE Texas -- I should know (as in, I'm the oldest of 4 boys, but we're not white trash). But, if you'd like more clarification, ask Chad Gibbs -- I mean, he DOES live in Georgia.
Thanks for writing,
Adam [Childless] P. [for a whole host of reasons] Newton
Posted by: Adam P. Newton | January 13, 2007 8:24 PM
Dear Childless for a Host of Reasons:
You are right. Four children do not a white trash family make... but five? I mean, c'mon.
Anytime you have a pick-up truck or passenger van out of necessity and not desire... you're on the verge.
And as far as the accessories go... My fridge works fine, but our washer busted yesterday. We paid $25 for it seven years ago.
I drive a '94 Nissan Sentra with rusting hood and passenger side door.
I do not own a tank-top, but 'sympathy weight' is allowing for too-small shirts and pants... and just about everything else.
I go to Sports Clips to get my hair cut. 'Nuff said.
I just used the phrase "'nuff said."
My teeth - by God's grace - are all in tact, but definitely a hazy shade of butter due to a lust for coffee and Diet Coke (and beer).
So... I repeat: Green hair can be cool. But one more kid and - even in SE Texas - I'd definitely be falling over the WT fence.
Thanks for writing,
Ass still a-quiverin'.
Posted by: Billy | January 14, 2007 4:41 PM