Donald Miller and Derek Webb - Live in Alabama!

(Editor's Note: If you've never seen Donald Miller speak live, you might not get some of the jokes in this article. If you'd like to hear some of Don's talks, you can download them for a few bucks here. For instance, Don has never claimed himself the "Emerging Church's answer to Joel Osteen". That's just Chad being a smartass.)

On October 17th, my wife and I had the pleasure of seeing Donald Miller and Derek Webb at Clearbranch United Methodist Church in Trussville, Alabama (home of Brandon Cox, starting quarterback for your Auburn Tigers).

This was our first time to see Webb, a Nashville-based singer-songwriter, whose songs address such issues as social justice, politics, and war. Before going solo, Webb was an original member of the Christian super group, Caedmon's Call. Sadly, he was forced to leave Caedmon's in 2003, after the band adopted a Menudo-esque age policy. But like Ricky Martin before him, Derek keeps livin' la vida loca.

It was also our first time to see Donald Miller, a New York Times best-selling author who proclaims himself the Emerging Church's answer to Joel Osteen. And even though ten bucks seemed a little steep when the real Osteen is free on cable, I knew it would be worth it if Don could help me find my best life now.

The evening began with an acoustic set by Webb, who sat on a stool surrounded by candles. It felt a lot like Nirvana Unplugged, although the Meat Puppets never showed up, and I doubt Derek was on smack. He sang many songs off his new album Mockingbird, a few songs from previous albums, a couple from his Caedmon's days, and closed with a stirring rendition of "She Bangs".

Webb's performance was excellent, and more than once I found myself tapping my feet with white boy rhythm. However, while Derek sang and acoustic version of "Shake Your Bon-Bon", I could not help but notice that half the audience was staring into their palms. It was a sad realization, but no matter what is happening around them, nothing fascinates people more than their own cell phones.

After a brief intermission, where suckers had a chance to buy Webb's CD that is available free online, Donald Miller walked through a smoke-filled tunnel and took the stage to the sound of thunderous applause.

After a few moments of encouraging the applause, Miller began his talk by saying, "Cable news channels don't care about sex scandals, only about how much they can sell a Toyota Camry car for." He went on to say that the Adam and Eve story is about nudity, and if God would tell us we looked good naked, we would only wear clothes when it was cold, or when we wanted to support a specific sports team.

(Alright, so I made the mistake of letting my wife proofread this, and she pointed out that I have misquoted Miller, but in my defense, I was changing my ringtone during his talk. What he said is that cable news channels care more about sex scandals, like Mark Foley's, because sex sells more Toyota Camrys than what is going on in Darfur. I asked her what Darfur was and she said it is, "What's going on in Africa.")

Apparently Miller does not watch the news, because all they talk about is Africa. And if Madonna wants to adopt that little boy, who are we to stand in her way? So long as she takes off that pointy bra when she breastfeeds, because that is an accident waiting to happen. Also, I was not quite sure how God telling me I look good naked would help me live my best life now, unless my best life involves stripping.

(Ok, so my wife has now informed me that Darfur has nothing to do with Madonna's adoption. And reading my mind, she told me it has nothing to do with Brad and Angelina's baby either. So I did a quick search and found out that Darfur is a region in western Sudan where over 400,000 people have been killed by government sponsored genocide. It is a complicated and worsening conflict, and if you want to learn more, try this site http://www.savedarfur.org/content).

So I guess Donald Miller may actually know what he is talking about. While Greta and Nancy Grace bombard us with wall-to-wall coverage of dirty emails, it is our job to seek out those who are hungry and hurting, and do all we can to help. I'm doing my part, by streaking the showroom at the local Toyota dealership. Can you hear me now?