Criterion Collections

Every month they send out an e-mail telling of their upcoming releases that includes a list of favorite Criterion releases by a Criterion-related celebrity. The lists are always the same: A Wes Anderson movie ("Rushmore", "Royal Tenenbaums") and some other obscure movies that I didn't even read about in my film text books that contain languid sex scenes and slow plots. I decided that, if called upon to do such a list, I would submit a list of things I would like to see released by Criteiron. In case they read this and take me up on my offer, I have preemptively produced said list.

Kurosawa boxed set: Criterion has already released almost half of his collection so why not put them all together. Comes with samurai top knot wig and kimono so you can play your very own version of "Mifune! Hai!"

Marvel Movie Missteps: This box set contains every movie ever made featuring Marvel comic books characters, save "Spiderman 1&2" and "X-Men 1&2". Take special note of the commentary track featuring studio executives who attempt to make serious comments on production and only end up laughing. The sound of money burning is audible in the background if you turn up the sound enough. Nick Cage delivers a similarly hilarious, albeit stone-faced commentary on "Ghost Rider" where he details his "friggin' awesome Ghost Rider tattoo" he got to "help me really, you know, get into the role."

"Apocalypse Now: Uncut" - All 694 hours of footage shot by Coppola for the film "Apocalypse Now" available in this 235-disc set. Coppola provides commentary for 492 hours. Of particular interest are his comments on the footage of a
drunken Michael Douglas in his Saigon motel room. Watch Douglas smash his hand for reals! Just like in the movie! Additional supplements include all 16-mm footage shot by Coppola's family, some of which was included in the OOP documentary "Hearts of Darkness", which is also included as a footnote in this epic set, on DVD for the first time. Only five copies of this set are being produced, three of which have been set aside for the Coppola family.

David Lynch Interview Outtakes: A six-disc set of interview outtakes with David Lynch. Comes packaged in an oversized plastic beetle exoskeleton covered in bird excrement. Strangely enough, the outtakes resemble the actual interviews. The supplement disc contains the real interviews.

YouTube -The First Five Years: Criterion teams up with everyone's favorite Internet video source to bring you the most popular videos from the first five years of YouTube.

Disc 1: Unforgettable Lip-Syncs with introduction by Gary "Numa Numa" Brolsma

Disc 2: Vlogging It Up with introduction by The Wine Kone, whose video "Hotness Prevails/Worst Video Ever" is featured on the disc.

Disc 3: Pirates, Ninjas, and Emos-A feature length documentary on what helped YouTube get its start.

Disc 4: In Memoriam: A disc that is completely blank, included in honor of the videos that corporations were too greedy to allow to be viewed on the Internet.

Coen Bros. First Nine Films: The Coen brothers aren't known for being big on DVD features. Their first nine movies are all contemporary classics, yet the DVDs are all relegated to unrestored, single-disc editions. Come on Joel and Ethan! In leiu of fan complaint, the Coens were kidnapped and held at gunpoint to record a commentary and perform some retrospective interviews. Unfortunately for Criterion and movie fans everywhere, the will of Joel and Ethan was much stronger than that of the interviewers. After seven consecutive viewings of "Blood Simple", the Coens had yet to utter more than a raspy chuckle and "Can I have a cigarette?" The set is, however, worth the price for restored versions of all the films and the portion of an interview where Joel calls wife Frances McDormand to tell her he's going to be late for dinner.

Lewis-Clark State College Commencement 2006: This is my college graduation ceremony. Commentary by me on how bored I was, why I shouldn't have worn khakis and flip-flops under my gown. Supplements include interviews with my mom, who gushes with embarassing stories of my chicken pox and bed-wetting, my wife, who thinks that a commentary is "stupid" and tells of my getting fired after two months at a lighting store after graduation, and professors, who talk about my smart aleck comments and frequent absences my senoir year. Also includes The Complete Works of Will Thompson, an exhaustive compendium of all my video work. from unwatchable student films to almost watchable commercials for local TV. Completely restored in high-definition digital video.