Military Families Need Help

As we hear about nearly every day, America has an all-volunteer military. This means that today’s servicemen and women are more likely to be parents than those who served in Vietnam, when young men were drafted for war. Since Sept. 11, 2001, thousands of children have lost a parent to the war on terrorism or in support of the war on terrorism. Not all of these are combat deaths but all have given their lives in a call to duty and to country.

As the daughter of a soldier killed in action, I’m often asked how others can best help these families, the children left behind, the surviving spouses, the wives or husbands of our deployed servicemen and women. Ironically, I also often hear from young military widows about the lack of help they receive from their local community. They have a phrase for what they experience following their spouse’s death — they call it “being kicked to the curb.”

So what gives? If the heart of the community is to help, why do so many military families feel abandoned at the height of their greatest need?

I believe it’s a simple matter, really. Civilians don’t know how to help. It isn’t a lack of wanting to. They don’t know what they can do, and they fear being intrusive. Moreover, military families are taught to be self-sufficient. Military spouses typically won’t ask for help, ever. So what can you do?

Here are some simple things you can do to help these families, whether they are families of deployed personnel or families of the fallen:

Make initial contact. This is probably the hardest thing. There are at least 1,001 excuses why you don’t just walk across the street and introduce yourself or pick up that phone and make that call. Fill in the blank on why you don’t do it. But if you really want to be of help to this family, then you’re going to have to quit making excuses and just do it. I find it helps if I just am honest: “I don’t know if I can be of any help to you, but I wanted to let you know that I care.” Or “I heard your husband is deployed, and I’d like to be of help. Here’s my phone number and I’m not going to wait for you to call. If it’s OK with you I’d like to check in every once in awhile to see how you and the kids are doing.”

Offer them practical help, today. Organize people in the neighborhood to care for the family’s lawn that first year. Let the family know that “Frank will mow your grass in June. Henry will do it in July. Sharyn will be mowing for the month of August.” And don’t forget to clean their gutters, or clean their garages. They will likely protest, at first, since they are the independent sort. But, trust me, they’ll thank you later on. If lawn care
isn’t your thing, arrange to bring over pizza one night a week for six months. Or get together with the neighborhood folks and hire a maid service. This will free up the parent on the home front, so they can spend some quality time with children who are often confused and lonely.

Don’t assume that they have family to help. Many don’t. Offer to take the kids fishing, hiking or to the library for story hour. My husband and I invited three boys whose father died in Iraq to spend spring break with us this year. Sure, it was exhausting, but every time I walked out the door and left the boys in my husband’s care, I recognized that was something this young widow could never do. When she’s tired at night, she has no one to relieve her. Offer to take the kids to church on Sunday, or out to a play at the local theater.

Most of these military spouses hide their own fears. They won’t cry in front of their children — worried that it might upset the kids further. So they wait until they are alone in the car or in the bed to do their grieving. (And, yes, spouses of deployed personnel are grieving, too.) Some of these military personnel are on their fourth deployments, or more. Their spouses on the home front often lack close personal friends (this is especially true for the widows/ers, as all their friends have been other military folks). Many miss adult interaction. Be a friend. Give a gift certificate to Starbucks and a magazine to read. Instead of sending a bouquet of flowers, take over a gift certificate to your local spa, and offer to keep the kids while you’re at it.

Perhaps the most important thing of all is to be consistent. Be someone this family can really count on. Don’t take it personally if you encounter the military spouse on a bad day. Remember this isn’t about you — this is about a family in need. Supporting our troops is about more than slapping a bumper sticker on the backs of cars — it’s about supporting their families, too.