A Tradition Like No Other

I have always enjoyed playing golf.

That’s a lie, I haven’t always enjoyed playing golf. I use to enjoy playing with action figures, and that was long before I ever picked up a golf club. Star Wars and G.I. Joes were my favorites. Star Wars because as a child I watched those films until my brain became mushy, and G.I. Joes because their elbows bent, and they came with cool weapons, and because Snake Eyes was perhaps the greatest toy of all time.

Eventually I stopped playing with toys and began playing golf.

Oops, another lie. I still play with toys, but I also play golf. It’s strange too, because golf is a game for rich white men, and I am neither of those. Well, I am white, but not rich, so I play at municipal courses. Municipal courses are a lot like regular courses, except they are more lenient towards tank tops. Even so, I try and dress nice when I play golf, but that is only because I am vain.

Apart from playing golf, I like to watch golf on television. My wife thinks dinner with a geologist would be more exciting, but I really enjoy it. And speaking of golf on television, this year’s Masters Tournament will take place April 6-9, so set your Tivo, sucka.

The Masters Tournament is held annually in Augusta Georgia, at Augusta National Golf Club. You cannot wear tank tops at Augusta National. Ovaries are also frowned upon, but that hasn’t stopped various groups of women from trying to strongarm Augusta into accepting female members. I don’t see what the big deal is. There are nursing homes all over our great country. If women want to hang out with old white men, no one is stopping them. They just cannot hang out with these old white men.

CBS, who broadcasts the tournament, refers to the Masters as “A tradition like no other”. I think that is a bit of a stretch. The geriatric sex-cult scene at the end of The Da Vinci Code is what I would consider “A tradition like no other”. In truth, the Masters is just another golf tournament. Even our local Animal Husbandry Association has an annual golf tournament.

Last year Tiger Woods won his 4th Masters. On his way to victory, Tiger hit one of the most amazing shots mine eyes have ere seen. Your eyes can see it here. Woods appears to be playing exceptional golf entering this year’s tournament, and I will go on record and predict he will win his 5th green jacket. I will also go on record and say if he does not win, the green jacket will be won by a white guy wearing a polo shirt.

FORE!!!

For more information on the Masters, click here, and for CBS’s coverage of the event, click here.