NBA Playoffs Preview

(Editor’s Note: Due to the fact that roughly half the article submissions we receive are sports-related, we’ve decided to add a sports section in the next few months, along with a few other additions that we think you, our precious and dear readers, will enjoy. In the meantime, read this.)

I feel the need to preface this preview by saying I have not watched an entire NBA game since 2002. That being said, I do watch SportsCenter every morning while eating my Cinnamon Toast Crunch, and a friend of mine tutored Mavericks guard Marquis Daniels at Auburn. Therefore, I am just as qualified as Stephen A. Smith to yell at you. Let the previewing begin!

EASTERN CONFERENCE

Detroit Pistons vs. Milwaukee Bucks

In a league of thugs, The Pistons are known as the “Bad Boys”, which is like being the Miss America contestant who purges the most. They are a team of no-name role players, evidenced by the fact that I can only name one of them, Rasheed Wallace. Wallace, when once asked about a peculiar grey spot in his afro said, “It’s a birthmark, I’ve had it since high school.” I think Ray Allen still plays for the Bucks, but don’t quote me.

Chad’s Pick: Rasheed’s birthmark

Miami Heat vs. Chicago Bulls

Two seasons ago, the Miami Heat acquired Shaquille O’Neal from the Los Angeles Lakers. O’Neal, who won an Academy Award for his portrayal of Neon Bodeaux in the movie Blue Chips, was expected to lead the Heat to an NBA title. Unfortunately, he somehow manages to injure himself every day. Filling the void has been the young phenom Dwyane (pronounced: Dwyane) Wade. I really don’t know much about the Bulls. To be honest, I forgot they still played basketball.

Chad’s Pick: Nick Nolte

New Jersey Nets vs. Indiana Pacers

Wow, talk about a ratings bonanza.

Chad’s Pick: Test Pattern

Cleveland Cavaliers vs. Washington Wizards

Unless you have been living under a rock, you have been inundated by the LeBron James hype machine. If you have been living under a rock, you are probably very pale. Most experts are amazed at the skill with which young LeBron plays the game. I am more impressed that he, seven years my junior, can grow a much thicker beard than me. The Wizards use to be called the Bullets.

Chad’s Pick: LeBron’s Beard

WESTERN CONFERENCE

San Antonio Spurs vs. Sacramento Kings

Due to the success of the Ultimate Fighting Championship, the Kings acquired fan favorite Ron Artest this season. Artest, who occasionally runs into the stands and attacks patrons, has sparked his new team and led them into the playoffs. The Spurs are very, very boring.

Chad’s Pick: Royce Gracie

Phoenix Suns vs. Los Angeles Lakers

The permanent smug look on Kobe Bryant’s face makes my skin crawl. The grease dripping from Steve Nash’s hair makes me dry heave. Unless I feel the need to punish myself for some heinous sin, I will not watch a minute of this series.

Chad’s Pick: Shampoo and Conditioner

Los Angeles Clippers vs. Denver Nuggets

The Clippers are in the playoffs? Versus the Nuggets? I actually had to recheck the schedule and make sure this was in fact the NBA Playoffs and not the NIT Tournament.

Chad’s Pick: The University of South Carolina

Dallas Mavericks vs. Memphis Grizzlies

Apart from those living in zoos, there is probably not a Grizzly Bear within 800 miles of Memphis Tennessee. That, combined with the fact that Dallas has a guy named Dirk, is enough reason for me to pick the Mavericks.

Chad’s Pick: Grizzlies

Whew, that completes the first round preview. Each series is a best of nineteen, and will end around the middle of August. Sometime during the second round, next year’s NBA regular season will begin, thus continuing the circle of life. If there is an NBA Final, it will be between the Spurs and Pistons, neither team will score seventy points in a single game, and Tim Duncan will be named MVP. If there is not an NBA Final, will anyone notice?