Predictions You Won’t Find Elsewhere

It was 1992 and I was a 9-year-old sports addict who hadn’t yet discovered the joys of baseball. The Toronto Blue Jays were attempting to bring the World Series title up to Canada for the first time in MLB history, and I can still remember staying up late, with my friend Mark Spence to watch every game. The magnitude of what was taking place was lost on us, but we aware that something big was happening. We just didn’t know how big.

I was becoming a baseball fan.

Of course, the Jays went on to defeat the Atlanta Braves, Mike Timlin flipped Otis Nixon’s bunt attempt to Joe Carter and the party was on.

In 1993, Jumpin’ Joe Carter hit a walk-off home-run against Mitch ‘the wild thing’ Williams, giving the Jays a successful defense of their title, and giving me the false impression that they would be winning each and every year.

Then came 1994, Larry Walker and the Montreal Expos had the best record in baseball before the season ended due to a strike. This left a sour taste in my mouth, and as a result I never ate sour patch kids again, and also, I stopped watching baseball.

I started to come around a little with Mark McGwire and his andro-induced record breaking Home Run triumphs. Sammy Sosa and McGwire seemed to like each other, they were marketable, and they smashed the ball a lot. I found myself taking interest in the boys of summer yet again.

But then baseball wasn’t cool for a while. I was in high school wher popularity is an absolute must, and no one liked baseball. Hockey and football were cool but basketball was the ultimate, due to the fact hip-hop culture was hitting its peak at the time, and as upper-class suburban Canadian white kids, we felt obligated to be a significant part of the movement.

This summer marked my return to baseball. My friends and I went out and had home-run derbies. We shagged flies, turned double plays, found out we had warning-track power and fixed that by taking steroids. It was fun.

And now it’s time for the fall classic. With no Barry Bonds, no Rafael Palmeiro, a sweet feud between Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez and a few nice surprises (Mets, Dodgers, Twins) this is forecasting to be one of the most unpredictable playoffs in recent memory.

Our panel of experts and their picks;

David Azuma

American League Division Series

New York Yankees vs. Minnesota Twins
Yankees in 4

New York receives a strong performance from A-Rod who bashes three homers in the series clincher. Still unwilling to give credit to their beleaguered third baseman Yankee fans hail backup catcher Sal Fasano as the hero after he delivers a sacrifice fly in the third game.

Detroit Tigers vs. Oakland Athletics
Tigers in 4

The Tigers dispatch of the A’s with help from rookie fireballer Justin Verlander who pitches a no-hitter in Game 2. Verlander K’s Oakland DH Frank Thomas four times, which does not surprise the twenty three year old right-hander. “After all,” he says, “I owned him in MLB ‘95.”

National League Division Series

New York Mets vs. Los Angeles Dodgers
Mets in 4

After news that Pedro Martinez will miss the entire postseason, the Mets summon his former good-luck charm Nelson de la Rosa to help tip the balance of power against the red hot Dodgers. With the little man sitting front row at each game, the Mets have little trouble defeating LA.

St. Louis Cardinals vs. San Diego Padres
Cardinals in 5

An unexpected rash of injuries to St. Louis pitchers forces the Cards to start…scatter-armed, former phenom Rick Ankiel in the decisive game five. With all of St. Louis holding its breath Ankiel, sporting a pair of thick spectacles, delivers a four hit shutout striking out fourteen. After the game he declares that there had never been anything wrong with his arm or delivery, only his eyes.

ALCS

New York Yankees vs. Detroit Tigers
Tigers in seven

When asked before the series how he plans to combat Craig Monroe, Marcus Thames and Brandon Inge, Joe Torre responds by asking, “Who?” Everyone accepts this as a perfectly legitimate question because no one in the room could provide an answer. Fuelled by the snub the Tiger trio combine for twelve homeruns in the series and stun the Yankee faithful. For the Yankees, A-Rod continues his torrid pace by belting five homers and driving in twelve runs but is blasted by New York talk radio hosts for looking, “a little too girly” as he rounded the bases after one of his round trippers. At his whit’s end, A-Rod dissolves into a sobbing mess after game seven and demands a trade to the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. Sal Fasano, the hero of the ALDS, fails to register a sacrifice fly in this series thereby proving that as Sal goes, so go the Yankees.

NLCS

New York Mets vs. St. Louis Cardinals
Mets in five

Rick Ankiel, the feel good story of the postseason, decides to eschew his new glasses in favour of creating a more endorsement friendly image. His newfound control is gone resulting in seven passed balls in the first inning of a critical game three. The nightmarish inning is capped when Ankiel beans Mets outfielder Shawn Green in the head, knocking him unconscious. When Green awakes he is disoriented and under the impression that it is the year 1999. He proceeds to go on a tear at the plate and leads the Mets to a decisive series victory.

World Series

Detroit Tigers vs. New York Mets
Tigers in six

Before the start of the first game Julio Franco and Orlando Hernandez are informed by Major League Baseball that they are ineligible for further postseason play because they are “just too old.” Hernandez appeals the ruling by producing a birth certificate that lists his age as twenty-seven. His claim falls on deaf ears. Without Hernandez and Pedro Martinez the Mets are forced to start Steve Trachsel in game six. Trachsel promptly realizes that he is, in fact, Steve Trachsel, and snaps out of his season long charade as an above average Major League pitcher. Joel Zumaya closes out game six by striking out David Wright with a 110 MPH fastball, which doesn’t seem the least bit suspicious to anyone. Curtis Granderson shines for Detroit but is not awarded the World Series MVP trophy because during the post-game celebration nobody could actually identify which player he was.

Chad Gibbs

National League First Round

New York Mets vs. Philadelphia Phillies or perhaps the Los Angeles Dodgers

It seems like I read that Pedro Martinez overdosed on pain pills or tore a calf muscle or something. Even so, the Mets win in four.

St. Louis Cardinals or Houston Astros vs. San Diego Padres or maybe the Los Angeles Dodgers

Ok, so I am suppose to pick the winner of a game without knowing who the contestants will be? Magic 8-ball, will San Diego win the series? Outlook not so good. What about the Cardinals? Concentrate and ask again. What about the Cardinals? Yes, you may rely on it. Then I say Cardinals in five.

American League First Round

Oakland Athletics vs. Detroit Tigers

I would kill to have a head of hair like Barry Zito, but Cecil Fielder and the Tigers will win this series in four.

Minnesota Twins vs. New York Yankees

After playing Boston 162 times this season, the Yanks will be eager to beat up on someone else. New York in three.

League Championship Series

So, this is where I should pick the winners of the ALCS and NLCS, but because I am still angry that Auburn was left out of the BCS Title Game in 2004, and because I never miss an opportunity to point out how idiotic the BCS system truly is, I am not going to pick the winners of those games. In fact, those games will not be played. There will only be one round of playoffs this year, and after that, biased sports writers will vote for who they think should be World Series Champions. The results are as follows…

4. St. Louis Cardinals (Looked bad in the World Series last year, and even though sports writers should not factor that into this year’s rankings, they will)
3. Detroit Tigers (Great record, but did not win with style points, whatever that means)
2. New York Mets (Maybe the best team in baseball, but why should that matter)
1. New York Yankees (Greatest baseball franchise of all-time. In fact, let’s go
ahead and give them next year’s World Series too)

Bryan Allain

ALDS

Minnesota vs. New York

Joe Torre is to the Yankees as referees are to professional wrestling. Let’s face it, a team with a current or former all-star at every position needs a manager about as much as a pretend fight between two spandex-clad men needs a judge of rules. The Yankees will outscore their opponent 114-6 and advance to the next round.

Detroit vs. Oakland

With everyone’s focus on the A.L. Central the past few weeks, people have sort of forgotten about Billy Beane’s Moneyballers. The A’s, only the hottest non-Minnesota team in baseball since the all-star break, have the starting pitching to completely dominate a series with Zito, Harden, Blanton, and Haren on the hill. Riding their stud pitchers and the resurgent bat of MVP-candidate Frank Thomas, Oakland advances to the ALCS.

ALCS

Oakland vs. New York

If my life was on the line would I take New York in this match up? I’ll never tell. And since my life isn’t on the line (I hope), I’m picking Oakland to take down the mighty Yankees and advance to the World Series. If the A’s can grab an early advantage in this 7-game series, look for the Yankees to start crumbling under their own expectations like a stale cookie. The series will go seven games, the Athletics will shock the Bronx crowd by finally winning an elimination game after going 0 for the previous 9 chances, and Billy Crystal will cry.

National League

Mets vs. L.A.

Losing Pedro Martinez for the playoffs isn’t that big of a deal. It was never about pitching for the Mets. If it was, they would have traded Lastings Milledge to the A’s for Barry Zito when that trade was on the table in July. The Mets have planned on bashing their way through the playoffs, but unfortunately for them, baseball on cold October nights is all about pitching. My money will be on Penny, Maddux, and Lowe to get the Dodgers into the NLCS.

San Diego vs. Houston

You could certainly make a case that Houston has the strongest starting pitching of all the playoff teams. My concern with them is that they’ve been in the playoffs since September 20th, when they starting reeling off wins like it was their job (oh wait— I guess it is their job). Just making the playoffs took everything out of these Astros, which is why the Padres, behind uber-closer Tervor Hoffman, will move on to Round 2.

NLCS

San Diego vs. L.A.

An all NL West showdown in the NLCS might keep Californians interested in October baseball for the first time in years. Meanwhile the rest of the country will be catching up on sleep. As a result, productivity of East Coast businesses rises 30% in October creating an economic boom that vaults our country into prosperity not seen since the Clinton years. Oh yeah, and the Dodgers beat the Padres in seven games.

World Series

Oakland vs. L.A.

It’s a rematch of the 88 World Series pitting the Grady Little’s Dodgers against Gene Macha’s Athletics. With Kirk Gibson watching from the stands, Nomar Garciaparra hits a 9th inning homer off of Huston Street to give the Dodgers a 3-2 series lead and they never look back. Ladies and Gentlemen, the Los Angeles Dodgers, your 2006 World Series Champions.

Jon Adams

ALDS - New York Yankees vs. Detroit Tigers- Justin Verlander starts game one and is promptly dominated by Yankee batters 1 through 8. He manages to get Miguel Cairo out, though it is little consolation to him, as everyone gets Miguel Cairo out. Yankees owner George Steinbrenner pays Kenny Rogers 50 million dollars to break the kneecaps of the Detroit starting rotation, and the Gambler doesn’t stop there, assaulting 14 cameramen in the process. Yanks in 4.

Minnesota Twins vs. Oakland Athletics- Johan Santana starts game one against Barry Zito and both aces go the distance, with Santana getting the victory thanks to a solo jack by Michael Cuddyer. Zito, pushed to the brink, challenges troubled A’s outfielder Milton Bradley to a fight. Bradley obliges and neither plays again in the series. In Game 4 Justin Morneau is hit by a pitch from fellow Canadian Rich Harden, and a brawl in sues on the mound, hockey style. Morneau dominates the diminutive pitcher and is suspended 3 games. It is of no consequence, as the Athletics were clearly dejected following the incident and fail to score another run. Minnesota in 4.

NLDS- New York Mets vs. Los Angeles Dodgers - Despite his efforts Ryan Howard’s Phillies do not make the post-season. After taking them down off of his back, Howard remarks that he hasn’t felt this light in months and takes his frustrations out on Brad Penny in the parking lot. Congratulations go to the Dodgers, who get slaughtered by the Mets. Mets in 3.

St. Louis Cardinals vs. San Diego Padres- Does anyone care? The only way I’ll watch this series is if Albert Pujols starts hitting a home run every at-bat, or if he hits Mike Piazza with a Gatorade cooler. Indifference in 5.

ALCS- Yankees vs. Twins- Before game one, a press conference will be held to announce that George Steinbrenner has purchased the Twins, and as the new boss of Joe Mauer, Justin Morneau and Johan Santana, he is keeping them from the line-up, forcing them instead to work in the stadium McDonalds. Carl Pavano was slated to start game 5, but is forced to return to the IR due to a severe paper cut suffered while Pavano was leafing through a magazine looking at pictures of Alyssa Milano. Yankees in 7.

NLCS- Mets vs. Whoever- It doesn’t matter who comes to New York—St. Louis or San Diego—neither team has the bats to keep up with the Mets. Even without Pedro, who will no doubt do something to get himself into the media spotlight, the Mets will cruise. Is there a better quote than “I mean— who is Karim Garcia?” It was Pedro’s greatest antic in a life of great antics. Mets in 5.

WORLD SERIES- Yankees vs. Mets- The subway series will be over hyped, which will leave me near suicidal. Nonetheless, the Yankees win game one on the back of Derek Jeter, who hits a walk-off single in the 9th. Alex Rodriguez has 4 strike-outs, 3 errors and 6 meltdowns, prompting extra icy glares from Captain Derek and further attempts on his life from the Yankee faithful. The Mets take games 2 and 3 thanks to clutch hitting from David Wright and Carlos Beltran. Game 4 features a Yankee blow-out, with A-Rod going 4-4 and nearly hitting for the cycle. After the game he is ecstatic, saying, “I’m as surprised as you are! I thought my career was over!” The teams split games 5 and 6 and head to back to the Bronx for game seven.

With the Mets threatening in the 9th, Jeter goes flying into the stands after a foul ball and makes a spectacular catch, crushing former Mayor Rudy Giuliani and cutting him for several stitches. Jeter then comes to the plate in the 9th and crushes a walk-off home run into the left field seats, further cementing his status as one of the Yankee legends. Steinbrenner is seen in the middle of the locker room celebration, in a XXL t-shirt and a sideways NY cap, covering the often surly pitcher Mike Mussina in champagne, screaming “It was worth every penny!”

Jordan Green

Ever since Moises Alou caught that foul ball in left field (and thank the good Lord none of the fans touched it first), the Cubs have been unstoppable. The question is no longer “Can anyone stop the Cubs?”. It’s become “Can’t anyone not stop the Cubs?” The answer, I think, is no.

Some pundits point to the triple-headed pitching hydra of Kerry Wood, Mark Prior and Carlos Zambrano (who would’ve thought all three would split the last two National League Cy Young Awards?), but I believe the cornerstone of the Cubs dynasty was bringing aging shortstop Shawon Dunston out of retirement. His cannon arm and solid hitting has been the lynchpin of the Cubs’ success, and having lanky Derek Lee at first base has helped Dunston surpass to his Mark Grace-era awesomeness.

So the Cubs continuing their World Series streak is a foregone conclusion. But what about the rest of the field?

The Mets look solid out of the NL East, but should go up against a brick wall against the Dodgers. Everyone knows East Coast bias makes sportswriters insane, and, when I was very young, Tommy Lasorda patted me on the head. Plus, my future mother-in-law is a huge Dodgers fan.

San Diego will be worked by the Cubs. Expect a sweep, and don’t expect San Diego to score a run unless Tony Gwynn is on the mound.

Out of the AL, I like Minnesota. I really do. The thing is, I just like them overall, I don’t think they’ll stand a snowman’s chance in New York City against the Yankees. Unless it’s winter, then all bets are off.

How can you not root for the Twins, though? They’ve got a hometown star in Joe Mauer, the best glove in baseball in centerfield (Toriiiii Hunter) and a pitcher named Johan. Johan!

Did I mention they’re playing the Yankees, the epitome of evil in professional sports?

The other two teams, at this point, are Oakland and Detroit. I’ve never liked the A’s, going back to the Bay Area series when a particularly thunderous run from hefty SF Giants leftfielder Kevin Mitchell forced officials to evacuate the stadium. A bridge collapsed. It was awful.

The point is, the A’s have no luck, even with all the moneyballs in the world. The only way they could win is if they were playing either the Kansas City Royals, the Houston Astros (the Cubs really destroyed their confidence when Greg Maddux held up Roger Clemens’ severed head after a cage match at Enron Field, eh?) or the Detroit Tigers. Sorry, Tigers.

In the second round, the Cubs will obviously destroy Los Angeles, resulting in a glorious trash-talk session with my girlfriend’s mom. The Yankees will likely edge the A’s because they’ve got more and bigger moneyballs.

But it won’t matter because the pretty little smirk will be wiped off A-Rod’s face when Kerry Wood drills him in the nose with a 98 mile an hour heater.

I’ll even offer a bet right now: the Chicago Cubs will not allow a single run during the playoffs this year. Takers?

Posted on October 1, 2006 12:00 AM