The Lamest (and Sweetest) Sports Site in the World

A few months ago, I was looking to buy the board game “Axis and Allies,” which is a nerdier and infinitely more elaborate version of “Risk”. Board game stores in the greater Portland area seemed to think “Axis and Allies” was no longer in production, so I resorted to my second option: hobby stores.

I don’t want to be an elitist here…Lord knows these people have endured enough mockery in their lives…and I have a history of comic book collecting myself, so while I wasn’t prepared for the nerdiness that greeted me, I still felt comfortable entering the Nerd’s Lair.

Turns out, nerds have stepped it up a notch.

The closest hobby store is about 5 minutes from me, but for some reason I chose to try the hobby store across the river. I called first.

“Cyclops Comics and Games.”
“Hi, I’m looking for the game ‘Axis and Allies’.”
“Oh, yeah, we’ve got that here.”
“I’ll be in soon.”

15 minutes later, I’m entering Cyclops Comics and Games, greeted by the stench of unwashed teenagers and Doritos (which smell suspiciously like a dog’s paws. Try it!). The place is packed. Packed with weirdos. And they’re all playing “Yu-Gi-Oh”. I don’t really know what “Yu-Gi-Oh” is, but it appeared to me to be an even weirder version of “Magic: The Gathering”. A Wikipedia search confirmed my suspicions.

I swerved around a kid sipping canned Pepsi from a licorice straw and approached the counter.

“I just called about ‘Axis and Allies’.”
“Oh, yeah. Which kind did you want?”
“Um…the regular kind? How many kinds are there?”
“We have ‘D-Day’ and ‘Axis and Allies: Pacific’…” basically, they had everything you can see here.
“I just want the original, normal version.”
“Sorry, this is all we have.”

I was getting irritated, so I left the store and called the hobby shop a few blocks from the house.

“Do you have ‘Axis and Allies’?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have the normal, original version of ‘Axis and Allies’?”
“Yes.”
Jackpot.

The second hobby shop was tucked in an aging office complex, and was far less packed. As I walked in, I was ignored by the vacant stares of three men in their mid-30’s hunched over keyboards, a cashier with a crazy scar on his face and a surprisingly attractive girl chattering incessantly. I found the ‘Axis and Allies’ games quickly, but had to wait at the counter while the cashier talked with another customer about some sort of role-playing experience. My eyes shifted to three massive glass cases to my left, packed to the brim with intricately painted tiny figurines. I spotted an inch-high valkyrie wielding a broadsword and impossibly hard nipples.

Finally, I was called to the cashier.

“You’ve got an old version and a new version of ‘Axis and Allies’. Which one do you think I should buy?”
“I’ll give you both for $45.”
I paused.
“What? Why would I want both?”
“Collector’s item,” he responded.
“Look, I just want one. I’ll take the old one.”
He began ringing me up.
“What are these guys playing?” I gestured at the hunched fat men as he ran my Visa card. “Everquest?”
“No,” he snorted. “You’re liable to get your ass kicked saying something like that around here. It’s ‘WOW’. ‘World of Warcraft’. It’s a vastly superior game.”
“I see.”

Not wanting to draw the ire of any balding gamers, I left quickly.

At first, I wanted to disassociate myself with these people. But the more I considered their plight, the more I realized how similar I was to them, and how maybe if I’d been less outgoing, or less able to talk to girls, I would be right there with them, using my level 9 Elven Paladin to fire flaming arrows into hordes of oncoming trolls.

And then, a wave of self-awareness washed over me, like a horde of oncoming trolls.

I WAS the same.

Enter whatifsports.com, my favorite sports-related website.

Initially, whatifsports.com is interesting because it allows any visitor to simulate a game between almost any professional team in history. My first visit, I pitted Rasheed Wallace and the ‘99-‘00 Portland Trail Blazers against the Clyde Drexler-lead ‘90-‘91 Portland Trail Blazers. Much like their real selves, the later era Blazers folded in the fourth quarter, and Kevin Duckworth utilized his considerable weight well, scoring 20 points and pulling down 11 rebounds.

Ever wondered how the Ruth-Gehrig ‘27 Yankees would fare against the ‘55 Brooklyn Dodgers? This is your site…complete with a computer generated play-by-play.

Beyond the SimMatchup component is where whatifsports.com really gets crazy.

My game of choice is Hoops Dynasty, where prospective coaches join any one of eight worlds. I chose World 2, and was able to select any Division III school that wasn’t already taken. Being a Portlander, I picked George Fox University, as I have a few friends that attended there.

Here’s what happens once you pick a team.

First, you have to wait until the next season starts. Seasons typically last around a month and a half. Your first task when signing on with a team is to search and contact desirable recruits. Each recruit has a ratings sheet, listing 13 different statistical attributes from rebounding to free-throw shooting, and a computer generated photo. The players also hail from actual schools in actual towns, and the closer a recruit is to your college, the less it costs to recruit him. Your team is in a conference with 11 other teams, typically other DIII schools in the same region, and each team is competing for recruits, often causing spending battles over one player.

Recruiting lasts for five days, and once your recruits have been signed, you begin preparing for the first games. I’m making the process sound more difficult than it is, but you, as coach, have complete control over the kind of offense and defense you run, the percentage your offense runs through each player, how often they shoot three pointers, a practice plan to improve stats…the list goes on.

Each game is played at around 11:00 PST, and game planning happens throughout the day. It takes me around 15 minutes a day to game plan my upcoming opponent, which involves looking at an opponents stats and player attributes to find favorable matchups.

After the game is played, I can view a play-by-play for each half, and the games can come down to last second shots. At this point, of course, the whole game is in script, though I have no doubt we’ll someday be able to actually watch fictitious players live. Technology, people…it’s the wave of the future!

After a season is played, top teams make the national tournament, and can battle for a national championship. The winner gets the satisfaction of beating out 384 other Division III teams.

But that, my friends, is only the beginning.

After a few successful seasons in Division III, a player can apply to jobs in Division II, where the process begins again with higher recruiting budgets, better players, and better competition. After two seasons guiding George Fox, I was hired at Division II Humboldt State before transferring to DII powerhouse, Western Washington University. I’ve coached WWU for four seasons, making it as far as the Sweet Sixteen last year. The best DII coaches can move up to lower tier Division I schools, but the site’s administrators estimate it takes 10 very successful seasons to sign on at programs like Duke or North Carolina. Hoops Dynasty isn’t the only game like this. There are also dynasty leagues for college football, NASCAR-style racing and a recently added Baseball Dynasty, where managers lead a Major League team and each level of minor leagues associated with that team.

So this, my friends, is my “Yu-Gi-Oh”. The only downside being it costs around $10 per season.

Writing it all down, I’m understanding how truly nerdy this actually is, but I love every minute. Sadly, you grow attached to the players you recruit (my favorite player is 6’7” PF Myron Barnes from Arlee, Montana, who is in his junior year and has become a superstar due to his 85 rated work ethic). The highlight of my whatifsports.com experience happened in the Seattle Airport, when, while I was coaching them in my league, I waited at the baggage claim with the Humboldt State men’s basketball team.

They felt like my sons, and I wanted to take them under my wing, turning them all into A+ free throw shooters. Also, those Humboldt players need to lay off the extracurricular activities.

You know what I’m talking about.