Survey Says

I have a confession to make. I’m in love with a map. Yeah that’s right, a map. Not just any map, though, I’m talking about ESPN.com’s Sportsnation Poll Map. If you’re not familiar with it, the map displays voting results on the nation’s burning sports questions each and every day in an easy to read format.

The beauty of the map is that each state is color-coded by responses, giving you an instant impression of how the country feels on the day’s hot topics. What’s more, moving your mouse over any state will display actual voting results for that given state. It’s the perfect collision of numbers, aesthetics, and Family Feud. It had me at hello.

Inspired by my new passion, I decided to do some polling of my own. The thing is, without a slick interactive map at my disposal, you’ll have to settle for the results the old fashioned way. So strap on your best Richard Dawson impersonation and say it with me … “Survey Says!”

I asked 100 sports fans who they would like to see win Super Bowl XLI.

38% of folks said they were routing for the Bears in hopes that George Wendt would come back on Saturday Night Live to revive the famous ‘Da Bears’ skit.

34% of folks said they were routing against the Bears in hopes that George Wendt would NOT come back on Saturday Night Live to revive the famous ‘Da Bears’ skit.

16% of respondents said they wanted the Colts to win so that we wouldn’t have to watch Peyton Manning cry like a girl on national television.

9% of folks claimed they only watch for the commercials, despite the gaping void left in all of our hearts ever since Anheiser-Busch took the Bud Bowl away from us.

3% of respondents wanted the team with the black head coach to win.

Analysis - I think we can all agree that no one likes to see a grown man cry on TV. Personally, I’m rooting for the Colts in hopes that Peyton Manning’s schedule would become too busy for him to film any more dumb commercials.

I asked 100 sports fans the following question: “What level of interest do you have in Barry Bonds breaking the all-time Home Run record?”

54% of respondents said that they would be sure to catch the highlights and roll their eyes in disgust a minimum of 10 times.

30% said that they hope his ‘rampant drug use’ causes his knees and elbows to disintegrate into a fine off-white powder before the season starts, leaving him unable to break Hank Aaron’s record (or get out of bed).

16% said that they’d rather eat moldy, arsenic-coated, bat guano than watch one inning of the most boring sport on earth.

Analysis - If Barry’s knees don’t fall apart (and that “if” is as big as his cranial circumference), his record-breaking home run will be met with a chorus of boos unless it is done in San Francisco. As for me, I’ll be rolling my eyes at a record pace.

I asked 3 people the following question: “Who is the best softball player in the world?”

Their answers:

67% said “You are daddy”

33% said “I’m not sure but it’s definitely not you.”

Analysis - Obviously the majority was right on this one. As for the person responsible for the statistical outlier, she’ll be sleeping alone tonight…but only because she’s making me sleep on the couch. (Is “blind ignoramus” really that bad of a thing to say?)

I asked 100 American soccer fans the following question: “Do you think David Beckham can resurrect soccer in the U.S.A.?”

2% of respondents said “Yes, his presence in the MLS is the start of a rising tide that will culminate when Soccer replaces Hockey as America’s 9th favorite sport”

4% of respondents said “No, the only thing he’s going to change in this country is that in 20 years there’s going to be a lot of High Schoolers with ‘Beckham’ for a first name.”

94% of those asked correctly wondered how anything that never had life could be resurrected. Good point.

Analysis - David Beckham is going to make more cameos on Access Hollywood than he will on Sportscenter over the next 5 years, and frankly, that’s probably the reason he’s coming to America. Good for him. (And yes, 20 years from now Beckham will be the new Taylor. You heard it here first.)

I asked 100 married women the following question: “Do you wish your husband spent more time watching sports?”

47% slapped me in the face.

32% kicked me in my shin.

21% slapped me in the face and kicked me in my shin.

Analysis - I need to take judo.

I asked 100 Christian sports fans the following question, “When talking about the FOX Sports TV Show, The Best Damn Sports Show Period, what do you refer to the show as?”

71% said they had never heard of such a show.

19% said that they referred to the show as ‘The Best Darn Sports Show Period’, because as one respondent put it “you avoid the cuss yet it still rolls off the tongue like Goliath’s head down Mt. Sinai.”

8% of everyone asked told me I should wash my mouth out with soap.

2% said they used the actual name, “The Best Damn Sports Show Period”, although most of these folks admit to lowering their voice somewhere between the words ‘best’ and ‘sports’.

Analysis - None of the respondents were able to come up with the correct answer on this one, which of course was The Worst Damn Sports Show Period. After all, any sports show that prominently features Tom Arnold must, by law, suck.

That’s all the time we have for today. I’ve got to go see how Pennsylvania is leaning in the “Will another Cincinnati Bengal get arrested next month debate?” Until next time…