The Sin City Shootout

The NBA All-Star game might be the last hope for fans who want to see a competitive game between the brightest stars in professional sports. It was a few years ago that saw the East come from behind and beat the West on a Stephon Marbury three-pointer that beat the buzzer. Down the stretch both teams hunkered down and played actual defense (D-what?!) with the East hungry to prove that all the talk about the West being the superior conference was a myth.

Fast forward to February 18, 2007 and we know the following things to be true: the Eastern Conference is still inferior, except for several occasions (Detroit, Miami) when the only good team in the conference managed to win the NBA championship. The East seemed poised for a turn-around with fellows named LeBron, Dwyane and Chris Bosh. However the West remains the best during the regular season. Allen Iverson and Steve Nash were not taking part in the Las Vegas Classic (I’m going to call it this because I predict the NBA doesn’t ever go back. Millionaire athletes in Sin City? Great idea to ensure quality basketball. Did you see LeBron James in the skills challenge? I’ve never seen anyone so obviously hung over in my life. He had that ‘I never should have had that after party after the after party’ look on his face) and neither was Jason Kidd, which means there was going to be no point guards, and thus, no passing.

Buckle Up.

5:00- The intro segment is a creepy shot of a man in the desert, painting basketball lines on the ground in the middle of nowhere, describing what the various players in the game will do that night. A good idea? Definitely not. Somehow intense desert man doesn’t mesh well with Ernie Johnson, who is the best basketball announcer around.

5:03- While showing bright stars such as Queen Latifah and Michelle Wie, Ernie says, “also in attendance: The Hoff!! David Hasselhoff.” I’m crossing my fingers that he’ll get drunk and do something incredulous to get thrown out, similar to Wimbeldon.

5:05- Ernie shows the world the Flashing LeBron James hat. It ranks second only to Shaq’s Slot Machine shoe as the best gimmick of the weekend.

5:07- Magic Johnson says the first half is going to be a playground game, and then something about people being beautiful, and Charles Barkley and guards, and can anyone makes sense of that guy? I’ll keep an eye on this storyline.

5:09- Prediction: Eva Longoria gets on camera more times in this basketball game than does Mr. Eva Longoria— Tony Parker.

5:10- Commercial runs for Will Ferrel’s upcoming movie Blades of Glory, another sports spoof, this time about Figure Skating. He seems to have found a formula and is going to let it ride. Didn’t he see what happened to Ben Stiller? Hopefully Will’s not a movie or two away from his ‘Along Came Polly.’

5:14- Shaq asks Charles Barkley who’s blazer is uglier? Craig Sager or Damon Jones? Sager is the man interviewing him. A few years prior Shaq told Sager that his jacket was ‘Horri-awful. Horrible and Awful.’

5:20- All the buzz pre-game is about Gilbert Arenas. He told Barkley that he’s going to go hard from start to finish, and now Steve Kerr is saying it’s ‘Arenas’ night’. One thing we do know to be certain: Arenas could not embarrass himself more than his player introduction two years ago, when he took off his warm-up shirt and waved it over his head.

5:21- Every year there is one guy who gets the ‘I’m so thrilled to be here’ media angle. This year it’s Caron Butler. “I’m the definition of happy.”

5:22- Sounds like Dirk Nowitzki’s sister had a shotgun wedding in Vegas. Classy of Sager to ask him about it on National TV.

5:26- An appearance by Siegfried and Roy.

5:27- An appearance by Wayne Newton who, interestingly enough they call Mr. Las Vegas. How many cocktail waitresses do you have to…nevermind.

5:29- Player intros. Hoping the starters don’t do an impromptu dance such as last year. Nope, everyone in the Leastern Conference is pretty subdued. Newton sings ‘Great Balls of Fire.’ This song is followed by a hoe-down of sorts, then ‘Danke Schoen.’ Does the NBA know who their main demographic is? It’s not middle aged women, that’s for sure. Or maybe it is, I actually have no idea.

5:35- The Western Conference follows Tim Duncan’s lead by looking bored with life. Except for KG, who is at minimal intensity. But minimal intensity for him is… nevermind, I can’t think of a joke with Wayne Newton dominating my eardrums. I bet he uses the “do you know who I am?” line on waitresses at Denny’s.

5:42- I think I’m actually excited for this game. I normally approach all-star festivities with a cautious curiosity. I act like I’m too cool to care what happens, but watch so as to be informed. Not this year! Forty-two minutes of pre-game festivities and I’m still interested in watching!

5:46- LeBron thanks the fans for coming out to the all-star game. He says to the fans, ‘strap your seatbelts and enjoy the ride.’ Those words have never sounded less convincing. Saturday’s party was probably even better than Friday’s.

5:48- Arenas catches and shoots from three- HUGE brick. He won’t be sharing all night.

5:49- Bryant and Wade trade jumpers. The shot clock may not get below 15 seconds. Meanwhile, Wade gets a clear break-away and elects not to please the crowd, dropping in a lame dunk instead. Isn’t showing off supposed to be the point?

5:52- Kobe nudges Arenas out of bounds and then passes him the ball, saving a turnover. I wouldn’t have believed it if I didn’t see it myself. Nice catch Gil.

5:54- Three consecutive dunks. Arenas, Kobe, D-Wade oop from LeBron. The momentum is killed by a wet spot on the floor. LeBron seems to have designated himself point guard. So far, so good.

6:00- Shawn Marion misses what would have been a massive dunk, and LeBron throws down a huge reverse at the other end. There is an Arenas pass! Leads to a Dwight Howard dunk. Prediction on Arenas box score: 23 pts 1 ast.

6:03- LeBron almost dies trying to throw the ball of the backboard to himself. Amare Stoudamire didn’t get the memo—Get out of the way!! LeBron goes nearly upside down.

6:09- Doug Collins informs us that the players a shooting at least once every 10 seconds.

6:12- Vince Carter shows us a dunk that you need to see. YouTube, Sportscentre, just find it.

6:13- At the end of the first the West lead 39-31. Stoudamire leads all players with 9 points. Dwight Howard has 8 points, all on dunks, including one put-back that made me stand up.

6:19- Vince again. Even better this time. I flash back to when Vince still played for the Raptors. This was when he was more commonly known as ‘Wince’, due to the fact that he constantly seemed to be hurt. He then told the media he wouldn’t be dunking anymore. “Dunking is overrated,” was the line. Glad he changed his mind. I still think he’s soft.

6:21- Shaq gets a dunk and then gives Tracy McGrady a kiss. Somewhere, John Amaechi is jealous. Somewhere else, Tim Hardaway is seething in homophobic anger. Hardaway may have set a new record for damaging a good reputation in the shortest possible time.

6:37- A lot of time has passed since I wrote anything. The West pulled out to a big lead and I was lulled to sleep by Marv Albert and Doug Collins rambling on and on about, well, nothing.

6:41- Prince is in the building. He’d better not be the halftime show. Arenas hits a 3.

6:46- Half-time! Toni Braxton, Cirque de Soleil and Christina Aguilera! Makes sense, right?

6:54- Toni Braxton is still alive, and actually puts on what looks to be a decent performance in her underwear. Good for her. I miss most of this performance due to the break-out of a mini-sticks hockey game between my roommate Justin and me.

7:01- Aguilera’s second song features a little less inhibition. I like where Christina has taken things. A little more soul, a little less genie in a bottle, and that’s okay with me. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not buying the album or anything. I’m just saying, look at where Britney ended up.

7:09- Justin emerges champion of the apartment hockey game. But I’ll be back Justin, I’ll be back.

7:13- It took them a while to clear off the court due to the fact that they had a full stage for each performer at half-time. The NBA never ceases to pump their product as an all-out spectacle. It’s probably why I never watch the NBA finals.

7:19- According to David Aldridge, Eastern Conference coach Eddie Jordan spent last night in the hotel room watching tape of the Minnesota Timberwolves, rather than going out partying. Either Eddie Jordan is whipped and promised his wife he wouldn’t do anything in Vegas, or he paid Aldridge to say that on the air so his wife doesn’t know what’s really going down.

7:22- Did you catch the Jeep commercial of Craig Sager cruising the Vegas strip in a Jeep? Horri-awful idea.

7:23- Eva Longoria 1, Tony Parker 0. Who are we kidding, Tony’s popularity will never surpass Eva’s. I’m looking forward to the next Spurs championship, when at the final buzzer, Tim Duncan shoves TP out of the way to share a hug with Eva.

7:29- Rip Hamilton tries a lob to Vince that gets stolen, leading to Doug Collins saying that he’s out of character trying that, he’s better when he’s running off screens and playing a simple game. Ya, Doug, we’ll get the Eastern all-stars to set a series of elaborate screens so that Chauncey Billups can deliver the ball late in the shot clock and Rip can pop a 17-footer. That’s what the all-star game is all about.

7:34- Eva 2, Mr. Longoria 0. As the West lead gets bigger (108-78) we’ll likely see more of Eva. And hopefully, Beyonce.

7:37- David Aldridge has had a few of the worst interviews ever. First an awkward one with Vince, now a brutal few minutes with Gil Arenas. I never thought I’d long for the days of Cheryl Miller as sideline reporter. But here we are. This is officially the low point of my evening.

7:48- Shaq brings the ball up-court and isos Mehmet Okur. Shaq may be the most fun player of all time. After some shaky dribbling and a brutal heave, all the players are smiling and Carmelo Anthony is rolling in laughter on the floor in front of the bench.

8:02- After a Kevin Garnett interview with Craig Sager, KG kids him about his loud jacket. Marv Albert says, “Garnett’s always attacking Craig Sager.” I wish.

8:11- Game ends 153-132 for the West. No one tried for the majority of the game and I am left disappointed to say the least. There were a lot of great dunks, more than I would have expected, though most of the game no one bothered to contest anyone else.

8:14- MVP of the game is Kobe Bryant. 31 points, 6 assists, 5 rebounds and 6 steals. David Stern says to the fans, “thank you for welcoming these transcendant stars.” He nearly suffered a Freudian slip and said transvestite stars. Again, insert John Amaechi joke here. Kobe gets cheered, instead of booed, as he did when he was the MVP in the all-star game in his hometown of Philly.

Looking back, I can see how all of the players and their respected entourages would love the idea of the All-Star festivities in Vegas. Millions of dollars and no rules. Sounds like a great time to me. But as a basketball fan, who doesn’t want to sit through 48 minutes of playground basketball on steroids, I think they should put next years game in North Dakota. No distractions, just put on a show. But then they’d set a record for players injured during the all-star break. So the lesson here? Never watch professional all-star games.