A Sports Fan’s Relationship Guide

For men all across North America, there are two important things in their lives that will often come in direct conflict. Those two things are sports and women. I should clarify - I don’t mean women in the plural sense (are you listening, Tom Brady?); I’m talking about a woman. It could be your wife, it might be your girlfriend, but either way the odds are she doesn’t look forward to watching game after game with you and your buddies on the couch in front of the plasma.

Many of us are uncertain about how to navigate this potentially implosive situation. Better men than I have certainly seen their enjoyment of professional sporting events fall victim to a budding relationship or the life-long (and beautiful) vows of marriage.

A large part of me believes there is a way to make it work. There has to be a way to find some balance between the relational and sporting realms. The two worlds certainly won’t meld into one, and I’m actually positive I don’t want them too anyways. Some guys seem to think that having a girlfriend who loves all sports is a great thing; I’m not one of these guys. Do you want to be that guy who’s always bringing his girlfriend out to every guy’s event, so that she’s the only girl and everybody else has to turn down the testosterone? Or, do you favor a scenario in which your girlfriend corrects you on sports trivia in front of all your buddies?

Now, reading this you must be thinking, “wow, Jon is really insecure about his girlfriend knowing more than him about sports.” Well, you’re right. I’m not good for much, and knowing a lot about sports is the pinnacle of a very short list of my valuable traits. Seriously, I tried to come up with some stuff, and this is what I got:

1. Sports
2. Lifting large/heavy objects
3. Working
It’s a work in progress.

Ladies think about how you would feel if your man was the superior decorator, and every idea you had about transforming the kitchen or living room was trumped by your fella who has the truly keen eye for fabrics. Or perhaps you have a husband who is a fashionista; I can’t see a lot of super-shoppers liking a scenario that has their significant other criticizing and choosing all their clothes. (Actually, after reading this over, I realize most women would probably love both of these scenarios.)

Nonetheless, it’s a common misconception that us sports guy’s don’t like to, or don’t want to spend time with our significant other. I can assure you ladies, this is not the case. We love spending time with you, and if we didn’t, we wouldn’t. It’s pretty simple. However, built into our genetic make-up is a timeless and insatiable attraction to competition, to hype and to games.

I have this love, and the desire for having a healthy dichotomy regarding these matters has driven me to draw out a makeshift plan to get us where we need to go. Consider it a road map to relational success. I assure you, it’s a fool-proof way to make sure your relationship co-exists, and even thrives, within the world of sports. I have credibility too—I have never even been divorced.

THE SPORTS GUY’S RELATIONSHIP SURVIVAL GUIDE
Ten Things You Need To Know For Relationship/Entertainment Preservation

1. Make your love of sport known early and often - If you make it clear that sports are an important part of your life, then while she still likes you in the early mushy-mush stages, she’ll probably let you watch some sports without making you feel like a lazy idiot. This will buy you some time to lay down the ground work that sets the stage for the following 9 steps.

2. Whenever possible, support her hobbies and passions - Not only does this make you look like a great guy, it also buys you some leverage. However, I should warn you; this could get messy. Be wise about what you agree too, and about which hobbies of hers she wants to do with you. For instance, spending a few hours with her while she’s shopping is easy. Spending a few hours in an interpretive dance class is absolutely horrible. While supporting her in her endeavors, be sure not to complain. You’re only making things worse for yourself in the long run.

3. Give her a spending budget (unlimited in Spring) - I can’t take full credit for this one. My dad was in the room and when I told him about the column he offered this suggestion pro-bono. His rationale; “you give her enough money and the green light and she’ll let you watch whatever you want.” I’m a little wary about this one though, because my dad has never cared enough about sports to employ this method, nor do I make enough money to employ this method. You see, my girlfriend has a penchant for diamonds. Using this strategy for a period of three or more hours could leave me homeless. Especially in the spring, as spring is the pinnacle of sporting events as you have NHL and NBA playoffs, college basketball, baseball starts and there are various hockey tournaments (world championships and memorial cup). This idea has some potential, but might need some tweaking.

4. Keep Score - Hey, we’re competitive guys right? You need to have a memory like an elephant. Remember well the things you do that put a check in the ‘plus’ column. This is a bit like the leverage thing, and could work out something like this:

Lovely Wife: “Honey, you can’t watch the big game, we have to go get our silhouettes taken.”
Sports Fan: “Dear, remember when I missed the (insert game being referenced here) when we went to that pottery class?

Money.

5. Watch some chick flicks - If you want to put in a few hours tossing pints during the game with your buddies, you’d better be willing to put in a few hours watching some crappy movies, or whatever it is she likes to watch. There’s no free loading allowed around here, it’s all about give and take (or something like that). I’m all about sports, but you can’t be too selfish, and you can’t be unwilling to put in some quality time.

6. Flowers - I can’t stress this one enough - you’re an idiot if you can’t occasionally remember to bring her some flowers. Here’s how I see it; you go to a florist and spend some money. She picks out a nice arrangement, she puts all that green stuff around it, puts it in a nice wrapping and all you have to do is write some sappy things on a card. This is the easiest possible way to be a good husband/boyfriend. To top it all off, your lady friend will love it and you will be a hero. How is this not the most over used gesture of all time? Oh wait, it is. Do it anyways.

7. Don’t screw up her Grand Slam - There are four major dates in your relationship that, if navigated safely, can serve to keep you in good standing. The dates are as follows;

a. Anniversary
b. Birthday
c. Valentine’s Day
d. Christmas

You’re probably a bright guy, so have a plan. These days are excellent opportunities to show her how thoughtful and caring and sensitive you are, and hopefully she will remember these moments when you spend all of March watching college basketball. If you’re lucky, these days are spaced out in almost equal distance to each other, and you’ll have a nice buffer for each of the four seasons. If you have your anniversary and her birthday around Christmas, you are screwed.

8. Plan around sporting events - You know the Masters is the first weekend of every April. You know the Superbowl is the last weekend in January. You know when the NBA playoffs are, March Madness, College Football and the World Series. So be wary of these dates. In fact, you’d be wise to have a calendar hanging somewhere that you can consult when she puts you on the spot for a social event. That way, you’ll never be caught off guard and commit to something that is going to conflict with a major sporting event.

9. Don’t be a caveman - I do realize that this probably will seem to contradict most of what I’ve written previously, but I can explain. First of all, I think that men and women just don’t understand each other. I acknowledge this is not particularly insightful, and not exactly original, but when it comes to sports they don’t get it. It’s not a horrible thing really, because I’m aware that when it comes to a lot of other things, I certainly don’t get it either. But men, we have to make an effort. The little things go a long way (or so I’m told). Avoid being crude, inconsiderate, lazy and unkind. We’re not just sports fans; we’re renaissance men (okay that’s a reach). The point is, if you want to be an idiot, you can’t expect any leeway.

10. The most important thing you need to know - You must never, under any circumstances, put sports before her. Except during the Stanley Cup Finals.