The Blight of Bad Nicknames

As with most problems in sports, I blame A-Rod.

Not Alex Rodriguez the player, but the infernal nickname cast upon him by some enterprising sports writer. First letter of first name, dash, first three letters of last name.

It’s not that A-Rod in itself is awful, but we’re talking about the best baseball player in the world. Maybe of all time. “A-Rod” is certainly no “The Great One” or “Air”. Players used to have names like “The Round Mound of Rebound”, “The Splendid Splinter” and “The Refrigerator”. In the words of Mike Lafontaine, “Wha’ happen’”?

But A-Rod was the just the first foray into what has become an epidemic of uncreative nicknames. Many are direct imitations of the A-Rod theme: K-Rod, D-Wade and T-Mac, for example. The best running back in football, Ladanian Tomlinson, is shortened to “LT”, an affront not just to literary sensibilities, but to Hall of Fame linebacker Lawrence Taylor, who had the handle in the 80’s.

A few bloggers and sportswriters out there are making a difference, particularly Big Daddy Drew from Kissing Suzy Kolber, an oft-NSFW NFL blog. Drew, a rabid Minnesota Vikings fan, renamed rookie running back Adrian Peterson “Purple Jesus” after an impressive preseason game. The nickname is two-fold: Peterson may be the savior of a struggling franchise, and he’s also a professed Christian. “Purple Jesus” is simple, brilliant and appropriate.

With the internet and the extensive sports blogging realm, bad nicknames should be a thing of the past. Fans aren’t dependent on one or two local sportswriters anymore, or pop culture references littering Sportscenter. Every professional sports team has at least one talented writer/fan, and that fan probably has a blog. The Trail Blazers have three excellent sites devoted to the red and black: Blazer’s Edge, OregonLive’s Blazer Blog and the on-hiatus Draft Kevin Durant. Heavyweight NBA blogger Henry Abbott is also a diehard Blazermaniac.

It’s one thing for the Houston Rockets to shorten their best player’s name to T-Mac. It’s quite another for such a travesty to happen in the Rose City, where the phrases “Just Do It” and “Bo Knows” were birthed. Already, Brandon Roy is called “B-Roy” and Lamarcus Aldridge, Portland’s rising star at power forward, goes by “LA”. The latter is a travesty on almost every level considering Blazer fans hate the Lakers more than Stalin and Randy Newman’s “We Love L.A.” plays over the loudspeakers every time Lamarcus hits a short fadeaway.

So here’s what I propose: we pool our collective creativity and come up with definitive nicknames for these guys. If Brandon Roy’s teammates want to call him “B-Roy” in the locker room, that’s cool, but our sports columnists, radio announcers and bloggers need more. Weigh in on the boards. Spread the word. When we’re done, we’ll take the best options and set up a poll to decide the winners.

All that said, nicknames need to be organic. We can’t force the issue. All I’m calling for is a renewed sense of creativity. This is a special team. These are special players. This is a city with a growing creative class. So let’s stop telling our friends we thought of the latest Toyota ad first, and begin putting our ideas to good use.

We’ll start with what we’ve got already.

Brandon Roy, SG
Current Nickname: B-Roy
Actual Nickname: The Natural

I believe this moniker was born out of Blazer announcer Mike Barrett. It’s perfect. Roy sees the court and moves so fluidly. He makes slashing drives and switched-hand layups look like peeling a satsuma. In a league where everyone was born to play the game of basketball, the game comes even more naturally to Roy.

Sergio Rodriguez, PG
Current Nickname: Spanish Chocolate

Since Sergio’s game is styled on the fast-paced flash of Jason Williams (aka “White Chocolate”), it follows suit Sergio’s nickname would be based on the Miami Heat veteran as well. Like Williams, Sergio plays with immaturity at times. Here’s hoping Sergio can become more substantial, but until he improves “Spanish Chocolate” stands. We’ll save a really great Spanish nickname for Rudy Fernandez.

Joel Przyzbilla, C
Current Nickname: The Vanilla Gorilla

It might be the best nickname in basketball right now, and I like the “Chocolate/Vanilla” combo. It’s not badass, like “The Answer”, but how can you look at Przyzbilla’s game any other way? Until an actual vanilla-colored species of ape is found, Joel is the definition of vanilla gorilla. The nickname receives bonus points for its deception: Przyzbilla has become one of the smartest post defenders in the league, drawing offensive fouls by the banana-load. I can see opposing post players reading the scouting report and thinking, “Hey, that guy’s the Vanilla Gorilla! I’m gonna dunk right over that dude!” TWEET! You’re wrong, opposing post player. And the ball’s going the other way.

Martell Webster, SG/SF
Current Nickname: The Definition

It’s a pretty cool nickname, but it doesn’t really make a lot of sense. As a scorer, I think Martell has unlimited potential, but you’ve gotta earn a nickname like “The Definition”. Other suggestions include “Butter” (because his shot is so smooth). I’d suggest something associated to Martell’s Seattle roots…maybe something simple like “Rain”. He’s also notoriously sensitive, so I like “The Reluctant Gunman”.

Lamarcus Aldridge, PF
Current Nickname: LA

“LA” has to go. “The Marcus” could work. Initially, I thought “Grapevine” would be a good option. Like a grapevine, Lamarcus is wiry, tall and produces.

Until a better option comes along, though, I’m settling on “Bizarro”. As in “The Bizarro Rasheed Wallace”.

Jarrett Jack, PG
Current Nickname: JJ

I like “JJ”. It may be close to “A-Rod”, but how many other “JJ’s” are there in the league? Not to get too Chris Berman on you, but perhaps “Lumber? Jarrett’s a big point guard and this is, after all, lumber country. Or it used to be.

Channing Frye, PF/C
Current Nickname: Buffet of Goodness

Fantastic nickname. It can be shortened to “Buffet” or “Goodness” for brevity’s sake. Frye started the name himself after being asked about what he brings to his new team (“I bring everything…a little personality, a little leadership, a little shooting, a little defense. I’m a buffet of goodness.”). Athlete’s should never coin their own handle, but it’s not like he told the media to call him “Black Mamba”.

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Now it’s time to get creative and come up with nicknames for the guys who don’t have them.

Steve Blake, PG

A quick internet search revealed Blake was once called “Los”, taken from the mythology of William Blake. The name supposedly represents creativity, leadership and productivity. Pretty literary, right?

Whatever. I like “Appalachia”, because look at this guy.

Travis Outlaw, SF

If anyone on this team screams out for a great nickname, it’s Travis. He’s dominates the 4th quarter, bringing sheer physical ability off the bench. He’s also a great character guy, shy and quiet in interviews. My vote is “Monster” for the juxtaposition between his sweet nature and freakish abilities on the court. He also has wide shoulders reminiscent of Frankenstein’s creation.

Greg Oden, C

“Sky Father”. I’m telling you. This needs to be Greg Oden’s nickname. Here’s why:

“Sky Father” was one of the names for the Norse god Odin. Greg Oden looks like a father. Greg Oden, when he returns, will rule the skies. At least we’re crossing our fingers he will. I’m open to suggestions, but it’d take a lot to convince me there’s a better tag than “Sky Father”. Keep saying it. It’ll grow on you.

James Jones, SF

Jones is a deadly outside shooter and puts games away with his deadeye at the line, so “Assassin” seems apropos, but it’s a little too easy and it was also Jack Tatum’s moniker (nicknames can cross sports, but rarely). Jones has exhibited a lot of leadership for this young team, and something like “Sarge” could work. What do you want from me? I can’t give you gold every time.

Raef LaFrentz, PF/C

LaFrentz seems like a good guy, but he’s only around until his $12M contract expires. “Nest Egg” or “The Future”, perhaps?

Josh McRoberts, PF

I’m a fan of the slightly derogatory nickname, and feel it’s a lost art in professional sports. I mean, at one point the greatest athlete in America was called “Babe”. The key to these nicknames is affection. Sleepy Floyd looked sleepy…no one thought he was actually lazy or asleep. Along those lines, Josh McRoberts should be “Doughboy”. Or “The Duke Doughboy”. Josh can be our lovable scamp who never gets to play. Look at this picture! I have more arm definition than Josh McRoberts, and my sole workout regimen involves Nintendo Wii.

Then again, Doughboy has lost some weight since he joined the Blazers. And he apparently dated L.C. from “The Laguna Beaches”. This is obviously a guy who could use a confidence boost. Is “Big Country” still available?