NCAA Tournament Certainties

Yes, I said, “NCAA tournament certainties.” No, I did not say, “NCAA tournament predictions.”

Every expert and his next-door neighbor has tournament predictions, and those guys are always wrong. Therefore, I’m skipping hypotheticals and proceeding directly to the events I know will occur. If Vegas had odds on these, I’d be a rich man. In fact, I could have skipped the entire regular season and still be able to tell you, with conviction, the following information regarding March Madness ‘08:

Arizona: We’ll hear a whole lot about the infallible and absent Lute Olsen, who happens to be the Joe Paterno of college basketball, and his late wife Bobbi (has there ever been a more oddly named couple?). We’ll also hear a lot about the clearly fallible Wildcats, who always seem to lose a round too early. Except when they lose two rounds too early.

Washington, Washington State, Oregon, Oregon State: They seem kinda good, I guess. You know, East Coast bias and late games and all. Well, one of these teams might make it to the Final Four. Or not, I’m not really sure. Wait, is that a duck on the sideline?

Kentucky: The Wildcats are the winningest program in college basketball history; as such, they should put up a good fight in the tournament. They’ll lose a close game somewhere in the vicinity of the Elite Eight, likely due to a couple of ill-advised and impulsive jump shots from a Kentucky point guard. This will be followed by two things: a coach screaming on the sidelines, and Christian Laettner footage.

Maryland: More screaming coach footage, except it will be supplemented by sweating coach footage. Thanks to playing in the ACC, the Terps will claim strength of schedule as their ticket to the tournament. Strength of schedule does not translate into winning games, however, and Maryland will prove it by going home after the first weekend.

Duke: Will enter the tournament as the tacit favorite, even if they’re a five seed. Will not lose early, so don’t even think about picking an upset. Will feature a big guy who doesn’t show emotion (see: Battier, Shane and Brand, Elton) and a small guy who takes long shots (Langdon, Trajan, and Duhon, Chris). Will be raved about by Dickie V regardless of how well they play.

North Carolina: Will enter as the alternate favorite. They’ll play fast and loose, and they’ll win by wearing out the opposing team. Will destroy the winner of the play-in game by thirty-five points. If the Tar Heels face Duke at any point in the tournament, Dickie V automatically explodes.

Gonzaga: The Zags will attract attention no matter where they’re seeded or who they play. They won’t lose by more than five points. They’ll never be able to replicate the success of the late 90s, but they’ll always come close. Note to tourney aficionados: The statute of limitations on including “Gonzaga” and “Cinderella” in the same sentence expired years ago.

Notre Dame: Will feature several three-point shooters with WASPish names.

Texas: Will cause you to adjust the contrast on your TV (“What’s wrong with this thing? Those uniforms look like the color of vomit”).

Pittsburgh: Will not live up to expectations. (Better ask Georgetown about Pitt expectations—Ed.)

Syracuse: Will feature inexperienced forwards losing games in which the ‘Cuse was favored (except when said inexperienced forwards win the national championship). Cameras will catch Jim Boeheim with a “did-you-just-step-on-my-cat” expression on his face ten times per game.

Connecticut: Will be one of the toughest teams in the tournament. Perhaps the best way to beat the Huskies is to call their sister a terrorist, then shoot the technical fouls.

Kansas: Although similar to UConn, the Jayhawks don’t have the Huskies’ fierceness. Or level of excitement, for that matter. As such, Kansas will win a few boring games and then lose a boring game, but it won’t matter to anyone outside the state of Kansas.

Memphis: The Oracle at Calipari, practically infallible during the regular season, will run out of answers in a dramatic fashion.

Drake, Creighton, Northern Iowa, Wichita State: One of these teams from the Missouri Valley Conference will last much longer than their seed dictates. The rest will go home after one game.

Wisconsin: Will feature a number of big men who apparently have not seen the sunlight in years. Will play like they’ve been given a narcotic, but will still manage to make opposing teams look awful.

NC State: Will be awarded a tournament berth solely on the strength of Derek Whittenburg’s 1983 miracle.

Mississippi State, Georgia, Louisiana State, Florida: Seeing how each team has made it to the Final Four in recent memory, they’ll somehow prove that the SEC (with the exception of Kentucky) is perenially underrated.

UTEP, UAB, TCU, IUPUI: Will make some amateur bracketeer immensely happy if the team pulls off an upset; the bracketeer will have mistakenly picked them thinking the acronym stood for something else.

And there you have it. The million-dollar bracket challenge is practically in my pocket.

P.S: North Carolina over Georgetown for the championship.