The ABCs of Summer Sports

With the official start of summer just a few weeks away, I thought this would be a good time to lather up our noses with SPF 80 and see what the world of sports has to offer us over the next few months. From A to Z, here’s a list of everything you need to keep an eye on while you try to avoid sun poisoning.

A is for Anthony, as in Anthony Kim, the 22-year old golfer who lapped the field at the Wachovia on Sunday for his first PGA Tour win. While it might be too early to say he’s ready to fulfill the role of Tiger’s foil, expect golf commentators to add his name to the discussion all summer long. (A is also for asinine, as in “trying to write a column with twenty-six salient points was an asinine idea.”)

B is for Boston, as in the basketball team from Beantown trying to live up to their playoff expectations. Squeaking by Atlanta in the first round was one thing, but if Kevin Garnett doesn’t take a page out of LeBron’s book and start offensively taking over games in the fourth quarter, he might be watching LeBron battle Kobe and the Lakers in the NBA Finals next month from the comfort of his couch. Am I writing off San Antonio that easily? Yes. I’m done with the Flopping Popoviches.

C is for coaching, as in my role with my son Parker’s tee ball team this summer. With my brother-in-law Chad taking on managerial duties (pitching to the kids, scheduling snacks, wiping snotty noses), my only job is to help out on the field during games. In 3 games so far this year I’ve tied 2 pairs of shoes, destroyed 1 tower of dirt made by our second baseman, and repeatedly told the kids to stop looking at the hot air balloon beyond left field. You’ve gotta love tee ball.

D is for draft, as in the NBA Draft being held at the end of June. The best thing about the NBA Draft isn’t even the draft itself; it’s the draft lottery, which is held a month earlier (May 20th this year). Like last year’s duo of Odom and Durant, this year’s top tier of talent runs two deep with Derrick Rose and Michael Beasley likely to be taken before anyone else. Miami and Seattle have the best shot of landing the first pick percentage-wise, but now that Isiah Thomas is out of power in New York, don’t be surprised to see the Knicks land the top choice, whether by karmic boomerang or frozen envelope.

E is for the EPL, as in the Barclay’s English Premier League. If you’re like me, you follow European soccer about as closely as you follow Professional Scrabble and Women’s Billiards, but I know there’s a few of you out there who live and die with their footie teams. By the end of May the Premier League Champion will have been crowned, and like every year of its existence, the winner will once again be one of the big four: Manchester United, Arsenal, Chelsea, or Blackburn (though Blackburn is already out of the running for lack of points.)

F is for Fenway Park, as in the place I’ll take Parker this July for his first ever Red Sox game. When I told him we were going, his first question was “Are they playing the Yankees?” Sorry kid, Daddy doesn’t make Red Sox-Yankees money, he makes Red Sox-Orioles money.

G is for golf, as in something I hope to do a lot more of this summer than last year. Taking a page out of Chad Gibbs’ book, some of my buddies at work and I have created a golf schedule this summer that includes four major tournaments and a point system to crown an overall winner. In a move that will likely cost one or all of us our jobs, we’ve even named the tournaments after quirky coworkers past and present. I’m not sure what I’m going to say when Jeff Smichter walks by my desk and sees a trophy with his name engraved on it, but if my recent play is any indication, it’s a scenario I shouldn’t have to worry about.

H is for horse racing, as in the only sport that might be dying in this country faster than boxing. On May 17th, Kentucky Derby winner Big Brown will attempt to win the Preakness Stakes as well, giving the country the only thing it really cares about when it comes to horse racing: a chance at the Triple Crown. If Big Brown (or as I like to call him “The First Kentucky Derby Winner Named after a Bowel Movement”) finishes first in the Preakness, all eyes will be on Elmont, New York on June 7th to see if he can win the Triple Crown at Belmont. And by “all eyes”, I mean “a few hundred people”.

I is for indigestion, as in the way competitive eaters are going to be feeling after the Nathan’s Hot Dog eating contest on July 4th. I’m not the guy who takes a moral stand against the competition because of worldwide hunger problems, though I think there might be some merit to that. I just think its gross to watch people shove handfuls of soggy hot dogs down their throats. If that makes me un-American, so be it.

J is for Jacksonville, as in the site of Georgia and Florida’s annual neutral site football tussle. Though the game isn’t until November, both teams will spend their summer trying to keep up with USC, Oklahoma, and Ohio State in the BCS Ratings. While most pre-season polls have the Gators at the back end of the Top Ten, many are picking Knowshon Moreno and the Bulldogs as the early favorite to win it all. One thing we won’t be looking forward to during the summer? A BCS Playoff System. Everyone and their mother would like to see a playoff system in place, but the selfish cronies who run the show could care less.

K is for Kansas, as in your National Collegiate Basketball Champions. I was one of the many who thought they would spend their summer looking for a new head basketball coach to replace Bill Self. But Self didn’t chase the money down to Oklahoma State, so the Jayhawks can instead spend the summer figuring out how they’re going to make it back to the Final Four (a daunting task considering most of their starters not returning).

L is for LOST, as in the best show on television right now. Even though Season 4 has felt a bit disjointed thanks to the writer’s strike, the episodes themselves have been some of the best we’ve seen all series. If you’ve never seen the show, and you’re tired of people telling you to watch it, skip down to the next paragraph. Still here? Then go rent Season 1 on DVD this summer and give the show a chance. With the series finale already set for May 2010, you don’t have to worry about making a commitment to a show that will stretch on forever. Trust me on this one.

M is for music, as in the releases slated this summer from some of my favorite bands. Death Cab for Cutie’s next album releases later this month, Coldplay’s “Viva La Vida” hits shelves in June, and MuteMath’s next project has been rumored to be dropping in mid to late September. If that’s not enough, everyone’s favorite boy band from 15 years ago, New Kids on the Block, just announced a new single and a lineup of Fall tour dates. (I’m not kidding, Google it for yourself. They’ll be appearing on the Today Show on May 16th if you’ve got nothing better to do.)

N is for New York, as in your defending Super Bowl Champion New York Giants (still sounds weird, doesn’t it?). Towards the end of the summer they’ll embark on a title defense in what is arguably the toughest division in the NFL: the NFC East. With or without Jeremy Shockey on the roster (though it looks like it will be “with”), the Giants have a tough road ahead of them. The Super Bowl runner-up Patriots, meanwhile, should start the season 4-0 with opening games against the Chiefs, Jets, Dolphins, and 49ers. Despite losing in the big game, New England remains the team to beat having won 18 of their last 19 games. Unfortunately for them, their fans probably won’t snap out of their Super Bowl induced funk until about Week 10 of the season.

O is for Olympics, as in the Summer Olympics being held in Beijing this August. Athletes from around the world will compete in 28 different sports (over 300 events), including table tennis, handball, and synchronized roller archery (ok, maybe I made that last one up). NBC, who paid almost 6 billion dollars to televise the games (entirely in HD, I should add), successfully petitioned the IOC to have popular events scheduled during prime time U.S. viewing. This has angered some gymnasts, who, as a general rule, don’t like to pull out the Iron Horse before lunch. There’s a 12-hour difference between Beijing and New York City, so a majority of competitions will happen while you’re sleeping or reading Burnside at your cubicle enjoying your morning coffee.

P is for Philadelphia, as in the Flyers, who are looking to give the City of Brotherly Love its first World Championship in any major sport in 25 years. If I knew anything about hockey, this is where I would tell you who I thought was going to win the Stanley Cup, but since I have no idea, I’ll let hockey fans take care of that in the comments section.

Q is for Qaid, qi, qua, and qoph. Great ‘Q’ words to know if you’re a scrabble player like I am.

R is for Rays, as in the baseball team tied for first place in the A.L. East as of May 1st. Tampa Bay is full of young offensive stars, boasts a pitching staff that is second in the A.L. in ERA, and has a coach that loves to give off an emo-artist vibe with his thick-rimmed glasses. When cool April nights have turned to the dog days of August will the Rays, Cardinals, Marlins, and White Sox find themselves near the tops of their respective divisions like they are now? Probably not. But for now their fan bases are enjoying the possibility, and that’s a good thing for baseball. As it stands right now, I like the Red Sox to beat the D-Backs in the World Series. Webb vs. Beckett, Haren vs. Schilling, Owings vs. Matsuzaka, and Scherzer vs. Buccholz? Those are some hot matchups. Somewhere, Joe Maddon’s glasses are getting steamy.

S is for Speedo, as in the bathing suit company best known for making us cringe at nearly naked old men on the beach. Their revolutionary swimsuit for competitive swimmers, the LZR, has caused a huge stir in the swimming community to the point where the suit has been blamed for the shattering of a number of world records in the past few months. The Italian swim team recently went so far as to call the LZR “technological doping”, a comment that prompted Shawne Merriman to order up a few suits to wear under his Chargers uniform next year.

T is for Tiger, as in the golfer who won’t be winning golf’s Grand Slam this year thanks to Masters winner Trevor Immelman. Tiger just got his knee cleaned up under the knife, but he has promised he’ll be back yelling at photographers and gritting his teeth after missed putts in time for June’s U.S. Open.

U is for ugly, as in “this Roger Clemens thing sure is getting ugly.” Tough to feel bad for a guy who has brought this upon himself by making one bad decision after another, but yeah, I feel a little bad for him. The only way this could get worse is if it comes out that he was making spy tapes for Bill Belicheck and placing bets with Tim Donaghy all while dating Jorge Posada.

V is for Vendetta, a movie I have never seen.

W is for WNBA, as in the league that will open up in a few weeks for its 12th season of professional women’s basketball. Making jokes about women’s basketball is too easy; instead, let me give you a few reasons to watch. [Okay. 20 minutes just elapsed while I racked my brains for reasons to watch the WNBA]. Scratch that, let’s go with my favorite fake WNBA motto from my college buddy Matt: “The WNBA. It’s like watching Men’s basketball being played in two feet of water.” Yup, that felt much better.

X is for the X Games, as in “let’s hope no one flies off their skateboard and plummets 40 feet in the air like last year”. I’m not sure how Jake Brown survived that horrific accident last year, but then again, I wasn’t sure how the X Games survived those first few years in Newport, RI either. Held in sunny southern California once again, the 13th annual X Games will be all over ESPN come the end of July.

Y is for Why, as in “Why are grocery store receipts so long?” I went to our local grocery store last night and bought 3 things. The cashier handed me back The Brothers Karamazov on 3-inch wide receipt paper. By the time I had the thing folded up short enough to fit into my pocket, it was too thick. I was like George Costanza trying to close his overstuffed wallet; I had to carry the receipt out under my arm like it was a book. Enough with the coupons and the surveys already, just itemize my purchases and let me get on with my life.

Z is for Zebras, as in the guys who referee NFL games when they’re not busy lawyering up rich clients. (And I don’t care that Microsoft Word doesn’t think “lawyering” is a word, because I do. In fact, I just clicked ‘add to dictionary’ to make the red squiggly lines go away.) When the NFL returns at the end of summer, one thing you might notice is the removal of the 5-yard incidental facemask penalty. From now on, either it’s a 15-yard penalty or it won’t be called at all. Gone too is the force-out rule that gave refs the power to rule that a receiver would have landed in bounds had it not been for a defender pushing him out. This year, the receiver must get both feet in bounds, regardless of whether he’s hit by a defender or a low-flying biplane while in the air. Rule changes that were not approved: 5-yard penalties for being Chad Johnson and Game Misconduct penalties for any team wearing all purple uniforms (yes Vikings and Ravens, I’m looking at you.)

Well, until they add a few more letters to our alphabet, I get to call it quits after the letter ‘Z’. My apologies to any summer sports that I failed to mention. Feel free to set me straight in the comments section.